Legendary Rant: Why Vince Carter Sucks at Life…and Basketball : The Lion's Den University
Class Notes - 04/27/17

04/27/17 - Class Notes

This class we are going to be discussing multiple things from the textbook. Re-read some of the sections you discussed later to make sure you understand all of it. In order to get back to the site once the teacher goes away, simply hit the close button at the top right next to comments and share. If you are the teacher and reading this, cut the kid a break - if your class was more interesting this would have never happened in the first place.

There are several things that can

Legendary Rant: Why Vince Carter Sucks at Life…and Basketball

#15. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Whenever you hear it uttered, you have a Pavlovian type response and make a face as if you just witnessed a rape (by the way, even if it is unconsensual, it is not considered rape if she liked it…just ask Kobe’s girl). In Toronto, Vince Carter will forever be linked with the #15. No matter how greasy Jorge Garbajosa’s hair was or how many put-back dunks Amir Johnson throws down, #15 will always belong to Vince Carter. After earning a reputation for his dazzling array of high flying dunks, Vince Carter managed to squander what could have been a Hall of Fame worthy career. He is better known in these parts of town as “Wince Carter”, “Half man, Half a season”, and my all-time favourite “Pussy”. A selfish athlete, he was never able to harness his natural abilities and use them to his advantage. Yes, all Legends posses naturally god-given (what is the atheist equivalent?) talents, but we also know how to translate those into unstoppable human specimens. Vince Carter has been relegated to a lower social status than a Hater. His continuous acts of uncanny softness, whining, and not giving a fuck mentality have put Spencer Pratt to shame. Vince Carter is a Phony. And in the society that Legends rule, you cannot be lower than a Phony. There are so many despicable acts and characteristics that Vince Carter possesses, but let me let you in on the most glaring:

1) Playing in the Band: Vince Carter is such a pansy, that he attended band camp. Now everyone knows that band camp is for prude, socially marginal Ws and Wanna-Be’s who haven’t hit puberty. So what was VC doing there? Practicing blowing on horns.

2) Mama’s boy: Now all Legends know just how cool it is to be Grandma’s Boy and take advantage of your family wealth, but no Legend is a Mama’s boy. Not only did Vince Carter consult his mother on every decision he ever made, but his mother also stood up and fought for him when his PROFESSIONAL basketball coach called him out. You can be sure she also wiped his ass after going to the washroom.

3) Injuries: Making up names for injuries isn’t cool. In fact, it only goes to show you how much of a pussy you are when no one else in the history of human evolution has incurred the same type of injury as you. And that is exactly what Vince Carter did with ‘jumper’s knee’. When Vince Carter got hurt, it was as though he had been shot by Lee Harvey Oswald. Legends like to embellish things (stories, food, hookers), but the extent that VC embellished his injuries was downright embarrassing. I can only imagine what would happen to a guy like this in prison (#16?)

4) Skill: Minimal. Vince Carter is no longer relevant in the NBA. His stats this season are even worse than that mockery of 20 games he played for the Raptors in 2004. Fuck, Ron Artest (Legend) shoots a higher FG% than him and he plays drunk. His team’s record is significantly worse this season, and there is already speculation that the hometown kid (who gets boo’d relentlessly by the home town fans) is on his way out of town.

Toronto fans will always have a disdain for Vince Carter, and rightfully they should. He should constantly be reminded of his character flaws and waste of talent. He should be used as an example of what not to be. He should be exiled from the NBA for his facial expressions. He should be shunned from society for being the lowest of low. Even his wife realized she was married to a Phony and took half his money and daughter in court. SO, always remember- no matter how ugly she was, or how many pills you slipped her, you can never be considered lower than Wince Carter.

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UPDATE: Even ESPN is pumping VC sucks.

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  1. Shewy says:

    Classic article.

    The Peterson incident and the “come on, MVP?” incident still burns me up.

    And there’s actually talk that the Raptors want to honour this guy this season? Unless they are looking to have the largest public hazing in NBA history, they should shut down those thoughts immediately.

    The only thing that would make me happier to see Vince fail this year would be to still see him as a member of the 4-44 Nets. Now that would be incredible!

  2. George says:

    Shewy, the Nets would not be 4-44 if Vince was still with them. I seem to remember that they had a better record than the Raptors last season.

  3. Jerramy says:

    I do NOT want ORlando to advance any further solely because of VC.

    • TheCoach says:

      A lot of people feel that way, but unfortunately they are looking like they may be the Eastern Conference Champs Jerramy.. they are playing the best ball of any team in the East.

  4. chris says:

    Wow is the author of this article ever an idiot. I don’t even know where to start.

  5. Vince Carter says:

    Stop making fun of me. I’m telling my mom!

  6. sean says:

    the author of this is from toronto and is evidently upset bosh could not do what vince did in his first 3 years in toronto…win a playoff round lol

  7. CC says:

    The only way Bosh will ever win a playoff round is if he hooks up with 2 far superior players. Like if he were to join a team with say Wade and Lebron…..oh wait.

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