Jessica’s Jokes – Swollen Eyes, Couples Golf, Vibrators & More
JessicaJones | Jan 07, 2015 | Comments 0
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Enjoy this week’s jokes!
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?” To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups.From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband “Hey, where’s your ball?” “It’s over here in the pussy willows.”
The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”
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A little old lady entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?”
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered “Uh, yes, ma’am. We do.”
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, “D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?”
“Well, yes ma’am, we do. We have several that size.”
Forming a 5″ circle with her fingers, she then asked, “A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?”
“Well… Yes, a few of them are about that big.”
“D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?”
“Yes, Ma’am, one of them does.”
“W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?”
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A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great… some asshole’s got my pen.”
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Filed Under: Featured • Jessica's Jokes • LDU Originals
