6 Guidelines For Western Kids Going Away On Spring Break

Thanks to Danielle for this one! Keep sending your article ideas to [email protected]

Spring Break is coming up fast, my fellow ragers, and because Western students are like no other breed anywhere, I figured we should have our own list of guidelines for the upcoming Spring Break session… Also somebody owes me a damn Family Day. I haven’t had a cooked meal since Christmas!

1 – Take Advantage Of Unlimited Alcohol

Make the most of your parents’ money. Up until now, you’ve spent too much cash or flirted with too many 45 year olds to get drinks. Remember that time you got alcohol poisoning? Probably not, but I’m sure you had a great time before you passed out in your own puke. So live it up- the best things in life are free (once you’ve already paid for them), and substance abuse is best when the substance is unlimited.

2 – Chill On The Facebooking

Friends don’t tag friends in pictures like this

On Spring Break, a few Facebook uploads are necessary to show the world you are tanned, beautiful, know how to party, and own studded glasses, because you’re totally into house music (and have been for three whole weeks now).  And I’m sure that those who have penises and read Lion’s Den U will disagree, but no one needs to see Facebook uploads of your friend winning a hands-free upright banana eating contest.

She may be a Western student now but one day this girl will need a job… and a husband (neither of which should be in the porn or banana industry).

3 – Remember Your Pills

Birth control- Because without it, your boobs get smaller!!! Loose bikini? Ewwwww!

Oh yeah and it’s safe to assume that if you are registered for Spring Break you don’t want to be a parent in nine months. Condoms or a vasectomy are a good idea too, boys. Which brings me to my next point…

4 – Resist Hooking Up Wth Locals

Western has enough STIs floating around as it is, and we don’t need the tropical strains in there pulling some Darwinian shit, and forcing the current ones to evolve.

Have you ever seen the movie Outbreak? Because considering the fact that I had a 50.3% average in first year science, I am qualified to say that this movie can and definitely will happen if Western students get it on with the locals.

5 – Bring Your Homework

We should totally make a bonfire!… And dry firewood may be hard to come by in the tropics, so bring that Econ textbook!

6 – Don’t Drink The Water

It’ll give you diarrhea! Dave Matthews must have left the latter statement out of the song.

And that goes for ice cubes too! Not even Juan!