We’ve all been there (and if you haven’t then you’re rooming with some seriously questionable people); we’re working away on some assignment in the comforting quarters of our living room when out of the blue we hear a couple thumps and skin slaps along with some moans and groans. At first we tell ourselves it’s just our roommate doing some yoga combined with some acrobatic aerobic moves ’cause you know…evvveerybody’s doing it these days (or so we try to convince ourselves), but when we hear a few giggles and a “give it to me!” we know our roommate cannot seriously be singing that off-key to Timbaland’s song. Proof of this also lies in the fact that the notorious jungle romp groove music has been turned up to volume level 42, when normally it is at 23. Oh yeah. The get naked party has commenced and we haven’t been invited.
Now, before scurrying back into our room with wads of cotton in our ears and hiding under the covers (what? you don’t do that?), I’ve decided that it’s time to take a stand and not be a victim of the roommate sex curse anymore. No fucking way. Here are some awesome things to do once you hear your roommate having sex. (Oh yeah, don’t be surprised if this happens to you too while you’re riding your next booty call bareback.)
1. Call the freakiest fuck buddy you know and have them come over ASAP. Pull them into your bedroom, leave the door open, and start having the loudest raunchiest sex possible. Competitive sex is, in every which way, the most awesome thing to do. Get dirty. Be dirty. Fuck dirty. Don’t hold anything back.
2. Instead of having sex in your own room with your booty call, open the door to your roommates room, get on the floor or their desk, and start going at it. They will either freak out, not notice you, think your noises are their own, or start competing with you. Even better? You can swap partners.
3. If your booty call cannot make it, then either go to your room and start masturbating and make obnoxious sexual comments and moans or bust into their room, and start having sex with yourself in front of them. A little exhivoyeurbitionism never hurt anyone. Right? Errr…
4. If you know your roommate is sexually open (who cares about their partner!) then feel free to go join in the fun. Tell them that since they don’t give a shit about you hearing and didn’t care to extend an invite to their get naked party, that you are going to join them if they don’t stop. They will probably think you are joking but you know better. Join them. Have fun. Get your threesome on.
5. Go to your room, put on some raunchy porn be it is a twosome, threesome, or a full blown orgy. Make sure the characters are vocal and real dirty talkers. Lock your door. Kick the wall every now and then to make it appear realistic. And hell, why not go ahead and fully enjoy yourself seeing as you have the porn playing anyway? If you’re roommate is getting some good O’s and doesn’t care whether or not you hear, you might as well not give a damn either!
Chug a beer, have sex with everyone ’cause your roommate is doing it too.
About the Author: There are a few things I prefer black: my coffee, little dresses, and men.