At LDU we pride ourselves on providing humour, entertainment, and sound gambling advice to the lowest common denominator. So, in case you’re one of those readers please fuck off because we’re trying to class it up a bit here…that was a joke, keep reading.
This is an unbiased, factual, and comprehensive guide to the 2010 Boat Race….it’s in England fyi.
The Boat Race or Xchanging Boat Race is literally a race held between two boats.
The only two teams ever allowed to compete are members of the Cambridge University Boat Club and the Oxford University Boat Club. In 1999, Kevin Costner and the cast of Waterworld attempted an impromptu entry but crashed and sank swiftly, along with Costner’s career.
Despite pleas from fans to change the format of the race to consist of jousting on wave runners, the race is rowed over 400 miles until one of the crews scores a technical knockout, the other crew submits, or a Oxford rower mutinies and swims ashore (look for that to happen this year). In truth, the race course is shaped like a botched implant surgery boob and stretches just over 4 miles. Apparently there have actually been two famous mutinies on the Oxford side but not proper mutinies because no one died stranded on an island, so don‘t look it up…what a let down Oxford.
Noteworthy landmarks along the race course include the famous Black Buoy, pronounced Black Boy, which in recent years has been painted yellow at the request of certain minority groups who claimed that the floundering and unmovable flotation marker was a negative reference to swimming ability. Other stops along this delightful sightseeing tour include some sweet bridges, and breweries but this isn’t NASCAR so don’t expect any boobs except in the Oxford boat.
This race is really old. Older than your grandfather’s balls, this little event is older than Canada by a solid 38 years. To give you perspective, the race first went in 1829 and has more or less happened every year since. My point is that the race has gone down more consistently than your gf ever will. You can expect that there are a lot of really old dudes running around on shore talking about how they used to be epic rowers, make it rain at the all the clubs, and how Oxford fundraised by giving out sixpence hand-jobs back in the day(1999). A hand-job is still a job right?
One last bit of relevant history about these legendary academic institutions before we delve deeper into this year’s competitors. According to Wikipedia, Cambridge was founded a number of years after Oxford by scholars from Oxford who were on the run after a conflict with locals. The defection of these legitimate scholars allowed the local farmers to take charge of Oxford and that is why to this day Oxford is such a strong agricultural college. The direct translation of Ox-ford’s name in Latin is actually “Cow-bridge” or “Cow crossing” aka the bovine version of Cam-bridge…it’s science. Oxford’s sister school is Texas A&M…go Aggies!
Oxford’s coat of arms displays an open book and three tiaras while Cambridge’s has four lion’s rampant. Now, as this is the Lion’s Den University we’re entirely unbiased but that is just a rad coat of arms. Besides, four lion’s beat three queen’s any day. On a personal note, Fuck Queen’s.
According to Cambridge strength and conditioning coach and Rhodes scholar Ricky Bobby, “If you’re not first you’re last” and nothing rings more true in a race with just two boats. The Boat Race is touted as “the last real amateur event on earth” in typical British fashion the statement is a bit melodramatic but it may have a point. The Boat Race is the only event where the competitors are more likely to have academic than athletic groupies. In fact, the tuition of the competitors is on par with the GDP of the United States. Imagine if all sports were like that, the NBA would become a three point shooting haven with Steve Nash as the perennial MVP, one can only dream.
Now, to the athletes.
The Oxford crew are reminiscent of team Iceland from Mighty Ducks II, led by their fearless and mushroom cut leader Gunner Stahl aka Sjoerd Hamburger. A little known fact about Hamburger is that it is not his actual last name but he changed it to be named after his favourite food and hide the fact that he had played the keyboard and sung backup vocals for Aqua.
Ben Myers was a last minute replacement into the Oxford boat and admittedly he doesn’t even know how to row, he said he’ll try and figure it out along the way. Myers is actually a British novelist, most famous for his book entitled The Book of Fuck. In his spare time Myers enjoys getting his legs waxed and frequently enters but more important, frequently wins Celine Dion impersonation contests.
Martin Walsh is an interpretive dance teacher from Bristol, England who is best known for being the first semi-successful gender swapping surgery in the UK and choreographing all of the dance moves for S Club 7′s music videos.
Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss are American born twins who owe their last name to their mother’s invention as their father, shamed NFL kicker Ray Finkle, couldn’t bear for them to carry his own. Laces out Dad! These twins are best known for suing Facebook and not much else. On the Douchebook front, the twins were faced with the dilemma of getting paid pennies compared to the website’s true worth and forever associating themselves with the world’s most destructive website next to porn or just move on and deny they had anything to do with it. Now, nothing they do in their lives will ever define them more than, “those twins who sort of but didn’t really invent Facebook”.
Matt Evans is a failed reality tv show actor best known for his first round exit on Big Brother. Evans plans on using his Oxford education to start a union for other failed reality television actors and eventually wants to open a night club for cats and their owners.
Simon Gawlick: The only German competitor. Research is still being conducted but little is known about Simon Gawlick or his whereabouts prior to 1946.
Charlie Burkitt is descended from a long line of sheriffs in his home town of Nottingham. Burkitt is studying hair and makeup design at Oxford and hopes to one day win Best in Show with his French poodle named Max.
Adam Barhamand is the Oxford coxswain and on his Xchanging bio he has listed listening to music and Ultimate Frisbee as his interests. It doesn’t take a detective to figure out that those two items are code for “bro seeking dude who also smokes copious amounts of ganja”.
The Cambridge crew are not unlike the Mighty Ducks squad from the sequel movie of the same name. Led by fearless leader Henry Pelly aka Adam Banks the crew are in capable hands. Pelly is a part time castle builder and full time dragon slayer. Using rowing to get stronger for his other extracurricular activities he was recently named by Megan Fox as “Britain’s Best Lay”. Pelly holds several patents one of which is for his own sweat which you can purchase at your local drug store under the name “KY Jelly”.
Derek Rasmussen was the only person in Wisconsin to not cry when Brett Farve started playing for Minnesota he was busy spear fishing for sturgeon after killing a Grizzly bear with his bare hands and sleeping inside the carcass the night before. The bear was killed by Rasmussen in self defense after an argument over a friendly football match spiraled out of control. Rasmussen has the ability to communicate with wild animals.
Deaglan McEachern talked Barack Obama into running for President and is actually the Vice President of the United States but in order to train for rowing he named Joe Biden as his proxy. McEachern is studying History of awesomeness. In year one of this program, courses are called “Deaglan’s Birth” and “Deaglan learns to ride a bike” and go all the way into postgraduate research based programs that involve following and studying Mr. McEachern for a two year period and a 3,000 page thesis. To apply: http://www.admin.cam.ac.uk/offices/gradstud/admissions/
George Nash is the son of Canadian basketball phenomenon and two time NBA MVP Steve Nash and 2010 Olympic Hockey Gold medallist Rick Nash. Both of his parents have admitted openly that George is far superior to them in every way, Steve Nash was even quoted as saying “He’s just so good at everything, that’s why he rows for Cambridge”. Estranged grandfather John Nash couldn’t be reached for comment.
Peter McClelland invented House music on the toilet one day. Political historians and Music historians have noticed a correlation between the rise of House music and the fall of Apartheid. Pete’s formative years are portrayed on the hit 90′s sitcom Doogie Howser MD. More on Pete
Geoff Roth is cited in An Inconvenient Truth as being one of the leading causes of Global Warming. However, to counteract the effects of his workouts he often returns to his home planet of Krypton. On earth we call these episodes solar eclipses.
Fred Gill spends his summer holidays fighting minotaurs on Crete and during the school year he spends weekends dueling with pistols against escaped convicts and hunting ninjas. The Lord of the Rings is an abridged account of the time he was the best man at a friends wedding and one of the rings went missing. In the film version of the story, the part of Fred is played by Viggo Mortensten aka Aragorn son of Arathorn.
Rob Weitemeyer is the first African American to ever compete in the Boat Race. Weitemeyer, of the Compton, CA Weitemeyer’s is also a known gang affiliate and associate of Snoop Dog. Weitemeyer is in violation of his parole if he shaves, he isn’t allowed near razor blades until mid 2010. Weitemeyer has sired the top ten NFL draft picks every year since his birth.
Ted Randolph has worked in Hollywood since the age of 3 as a stunt double for Benecio Del Toro’s hair. Randolph’s own locks are insured for an estimated $250 million US. As a recording artist, Randolph recorded under the alias’ Barry White and Marvin Gaye. Randolph has faked his own death twice, in 2003 and in 1984 to keep fans wanting more and raise awareness for heart disease and gun control.
With the facts about both crews now laid out and all jokes aside, each man will have to measure himself against his opposite number this Saturday at9:30am EST. Watch online here at http://www.theboatrace.org/
Our own industry insider TheCoach has picked Cambridge for the win by a length.
When asked to comment on this year’s race, Canada’s improved version of George Clooney, John Heder only said one word, “chugabeerbeatoxford”.
About the Author: My name is JohnStewart. I am a Black guy and I approve this message.