The Friday Hangover Cure: “Relationship” Scripts Edition

When Brian McKnight sang “Back at One” in 1999, he was trying to describe the way a real L-O-V-E relationship should work.  Well, Brian McKnight, your whole song is FALSE.  In the uni realm, things are a bit different.  See for yourself…

One… You’re like a dream come true. / You’re like a bang come true
Two… Just wanna be with you. / Just wanna play mind games with you.
Three… Girl it’s plain to see that you’re the only one for me. / Girl it’s plain to see, you’re not the only one giving it hard to me.
Four… Repeat steps one through three. / Repeat steps one through three.
Five… Make you fall in love with me. / Make you believe you had a chance with me.
If ever I believe my works is done, then I start back at one. / If ever I believe my work is done, then I’ll just start again with some other one.

You should improve yourself so you can come closer to McKnight’s version of relationships.  This way, you’ll end up marrying and won’t end up a spinster or a crotchety old man with crabs.  Trust, once you start getting wrinkles and or ear hair, no one will want you.  “The Friday Hangover Cure: ‘Relationship’ Scripts Edition” is about to serve a double whammy, for it’s going to act as a  hangover cure AND a relationship cure.

1. LEARN SOME SKILLS. Females like to be entertained, otherwise we get bored.  Whether it’s chugging a beer, juggling textbooks, or being able to quote all the lines from “The Notebook”, it’s sure to impress a girl.  So, before you go out into the sea and try to catch some fish, learn some skills.  Playing guitar is a great one.  I hear it’s sure to get you laid.

2. KNOW THE GAME. Once you have a skill or two, you’re going to need some game.  Although endless mind games are so childish, a trick or two up your sleeve is crucial in making sure that the girl is into you long enough to be intrigued.  You’re also going to need to know the rules of the dating game.  Here’s Borat with a synopsis…

3. EXCHANGE NAMES. Alright, so now that you’ve found the one you want to date, practice what your mama taught you and introduce yourself to the girl properly.  If you want to go out with the girl, you’re going to need to know her name, whether you’ve already had sex or not.

4. A PERFECT DATE. If you want great success in the sack department, you’ll need to plan a great success of a date.  Here are date ideas from some snazzy people.  My personal favourite is watching the sunset on a beach and going to a French Riviera restaurant that only sells seafood…

5. HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. Now that you’ve dating, you must be honest.  That means telling the new lady in your life important things.  This includes telling her about the STDs that you’ve acquired in your undergrad sexcapades.

6. COMMIT: THE GIRLFRIEND. Since your girl hasn’t left upon hearing that you harbour a case of the clap, it means you’re safe to pursue the commitment phase.  You can look forward to great things, like:
- daily sex;
- phone calls every hour; and
- glares when you look at hot girls.
And you WILL love all it!

7. DROP THE L-BOMB. It is now time to look deeply into each other’s eyes and say the words you know she wants to hear.  “I love you.”  Or… just get creative and make her think you said it…

8. ACCEPT LOVE AND MARRIAGE, LOVE AND MARRIAGE. They go together like a horse and carriage.  Err… or something like that.  Anyballandchain, it’s time to tie the knot since the GF is having PMS every day because she’s pissed that you haven’t popped the question and her biological clock is ticking.  SO DO IT.  Even the mullet below agrees.  And you know how I feel about mullets (♥).

9. CHEATERS CAUGHT YOU, SO MAKE IT UP TO HER. I never said it was all gravy, and Joey Greco agrees.  So you reverted back to your undergrad days of juggling more than one chick at a time, because you’re “old school G” (see below).  Bad move bucko.  If you’re not auto-kicked to the curb, try to resolve the issue with some nice gifts.  I’m talking solitaire diamonds and a trip to Bora Bora.  Oh yeah, and your soul for all of eternity.

10. MAKE BABY FRIENDS.  BUT, WHO THE BABY DADDY? The last logical step in any relationship is making some baby friends.  It’s only natural for you to want to spread the seed and continue your legacy at a university of you’re child’s choosing, where the said child will be able to chug twice the beers you ever could.  So proud.  Due to your cheating ways though, your wifey may have received some consolation from your best friend.  It’s MAURY TIME!

It’s time to get your hung over ass off the couch and go work on those skills!!!  Scratch that.  I’m not delusional.  I know you’re just going to go and find another flavour of the week.  Meh, I can’t blame you.  After all, you will forever be compared (but never measure up) to Noah from “The Notebook”…

Chug a beer.  Have sex with everyone.  Repeat after your hangover.

Also check out:

The Friday Hangover Cure: Undergraduate Elixir of Life Edition

The Friday Hangover Cure: Epic Virgins Edition

The Friday Hangover Cure: Sexy-Times Edition