The Decade of Some of the Worst Music in History

The decade of some of the worst music in history

It’s no surprise that I’m inherently biased against mainstream music. While I respect legitimate well-known bands, for years I’ve prided myself in finding hidden gems, only to have my music eliteness stolen from my iTunes library with the rise in popularity of some of my favorites (i.e. Feist, Modest Mouse, Kings of Leon, etc.). I fear for their increase in widespread fame, as I don’t want them to become associated with the mainstream monster I’ve come to hate. So without further ado, my grievances:

Cher, you thunder-cunt, you opened the flood gates for the fad of trendy voice correction. We now have a generation of pop stars and rappers who lack the talent to pass even the simplest of vocals in Rockband. Hell, Fergie can’t even handle the responsibilities of not pissing herself and singing at the same time. Kanye has somehow convinced himself that perpetuating this voice-altering fad makes him a musical genius. However I digress, this alone is more of a trendy annoyance than a sufficient beef.

The full weight of this diatribe is aimed at lyrics. I’d pay an extra 10 dollars cover on any given night, for any given club to remove the vocals from mainstream music so I can just dry hump in peace. So I can enjoy a bit of turgidity with a random stranger without being reminded how we as a generation are lowering ourselves to a point where stimulating conversation is considered ‘time-consuming’. While articles should never make more than one Black Eyed Peas reference, I’m going to be the exception to the rule. I could probably write an entire thesis on the positive correlation between listening to their newest album The E.N.D. and locking yourself out of your car. It seemed to go completely unnoticed during the Black Eyed Peas creative process that saying “I gotta feeling” is an actually an abbreviated version of “I got to feeling”. You don’t “Got-a-go” somewhere. Somehow I feel that the music in the 60′s and 70′s wouldn’t put up with this in a song title- than again there was “Itsy-Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini”.

There are others, who fit in a category of established artists who have fallen from greatness. And no, I’m not talking about Britney Spears. I feel the sheer mention of her name makes me into a big fat fucking cliche, as it has become so fashionable to hate on her for her seemingly never-ending ability to wreck trains. I’m talking about the Eminem’s, the U2′s, and the Green Day’s. Say what you want about these artists now, because I sure as hell won’t defend them, but all of them at one point had a significant contribution to music. Eminem was crucial for hip-hop, as the world needed to be shown that Vanilla ice wasn’t the white rap scene’s Rosa Parks.

When Marshall was poverty stricken he spoke of things that mattered. When the material strayed from the more sincere content, it was still at the least head-nod worthy. Even the most abstinent of drug users could sport a shit-eating grin listening to “Drug Ballad”. However, with each progressive album, he strayed further from what made him great, and now we’re left with “Ass Like That” and Mariah Carey diss tracks. As much as I enjoy a good hating on Glitter, does anyone even care about Eminem’s beefs anymore? It reminds me of that girl everyone has on their Facebook who insists on changing her status every 10 minutes to let the world know how the tides and her vagina are affecting her mood. I’m not going to rant about U2, as the U2 fan boys are the only thing more annoying than getting a blow job from someone with the hiccups. All I’m going to say is that it’s a given that Joshua Tree was their best album and that was 22 years ago. As for Green Day, if you don’t think that Dookie was their finest work and everything since has been a big pile of piss, it’s a miracle you’ve gotten as far as you have into this article let alone figured out which hole your head goes through in your shirt. Which if I had to guess is probably from Hollister you cheap bastard.

I can only assume part of the reason mainstream music is as popular as it is, is that people who aren’t smart enough to figure out how the internet works are the ones who buy it. But then again, what do I know? I’ll probably end up working minimum wage in an old record store bashing customers for their shitty taste in music while Lil’ Wayne finishes up his final lay-away payments for his new diamond-studded gold-teeth. So maybe Kanye is right. Maybe he is the voice of this generation. A generation of progressively lower standards in music. But if that’s the case, I’m going to get into the studio now and start laying down some toilet flushing tracks before all the good sound effects are taken.