I recently had an idea for a new MTV show. The show I dreamt up would be like throwing Jackass, the Jersey Shore, Swamp People and Teen Mom into a blender and obviously expecting magic. Now you’re probably thinking, ”What a funny person this guy is, to think of a concept for a show that so obviously could never exist, because it’s insane” But guess the fuck what?… It does exist, and it’s of course MTV’s Buckwild.
Buckwild brings together two types of people. The first are full-on inbred rednecks that just got through grade 12 for the 3rd time, but despite their high level of education still prefer to use back-country gibberish over American English. They stick to the tried and true traditions of country music and freshly caught squirrel meat. The second are also fresh out of high school but they’re just slightly less rednecky. They come from towns that don’t shun electricity as witchcraft, and they’ve also evolved to appreciate electro over the standard staple of minority bashing country hits. There’s a lot of range there.
Let’s get you introduced to the characters of MTV’s new hit show Buckwild.
1 – Shain Gandee
This guy is such a gem. He’s about as smart as your uncle, you know, the one who became a vegetable in that tragic, but when you think about it, also kind of hilarious hunting accident. He prides himself on having no phone, no Facebook and “None of that internet stuff.” He’s actually reason enough to watch the show, because his stupidity translates into so much accidental comedy… Also, the show is 22 minutes. What else were you going to do, read?
2 - Anna Davis
I’m going to go ahead and say flat out that she’s a bit of a dud on this show for a number of reasons. Her dialogue is full of bullshit that isn’t even worth repeating. She’s the grossest of the “pretty girls.” I think she refers to herself as a fighter at one point, which is befitting because at our first introduction to her I was thinking, “This woman will beat her husband, repeatedly and until the end of time.” The end.
3 – Joey Lick
Joey is Shain’s best friend, because they’re on the same mental playing field. Joey’s one liner for America is the following…
“They call me Justin Beaver…I don’t know about the Justin…but you know about the Beaver.”
Maybe they should start calling you Captain Idiot? …I’ll come up with a better nickname later. Moving on…
4 – Cara Parrish
Caaaaaara. MTV found a rockstar in Cara. Cara introduces herself with…
“I’m sort of the new girl in town. You can see me in a club in 5 inch heels or I can jump on a four wheeler and I’ll feel right at home.”
Translation- I’m comfortable with stripping as a career path, and if there was a swimming pool full of dicks somewhere then that’s where you’d find me. Remember Jenny from Forrest Gump when she spiraled out of control and began doing blow just to survive. Cara is just a younger version of that. You’d definitely fuck her if you were like 1.5 neat whiskeys deep.
Not convinced? Maybe these nude photos (NSFW) will get you on team Cara.
5 – Tyler Boulet
This guy was obviously just thrown in by MTV to try to impregnate one of the other girls, and spice up the show for ratings. Tyler tells us…
“People call me a pretty boy. I like to clean up for the women. I mean everybody knows it.”
He’s got the personality of one of those pet rocks some asshole made millions off of back in the 80s. Seriously, HOW much blow did EVERYONE do in that decade? I mean pet rocks? No wonder we invented social media; we need a constant support group to help each other understand the damage our blacked out parents caused back when they were Charlie Sheening.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, here’s a mug shot of Tyler from when he was caught drinking underage this summer… No surprises there. I feel like that should happen just about every weekend.
6 – Shae Bradley
“Yea I’ve been called a Southern Belle, but I like to think of myself as one of the guys…just a lot sexier.”
She’s probably the only one who can gold dig her way out of this god forsaken shithole, and into a comfortable life of boring sex, and thrice-a-day-Xannies, and wine fiestas with the richest man in some mid level town, like Dayton, Ohio. You’d fuck her after no whiskeys, and then feel awful about what you’d done. Then again, when don’t you?
7 – Ashley Whitt
“Around here I’m known for trouble.”
…Then MTV cuts to her telling off her mom over the phone. She’s really just a tertiary character, so don’t bother paying attention. You wouldn’t fuck her. Well, I don’t think you would anyways (maybe after seeing this topless photo of her in body paint), but then again who knows what’s going on in your sick head of yours? After all, you just read 7 bios about a bunch of downtrodden rednecks you’ll never met. Which brings us to…
8 – Salwa Amin
She’s clearly an actress playing a part on the show, as there’s no way they found this girl in the backwoods of West Virginia, because A- she’s too hot and B- she’s Indian…or Portuguese…or some ethnicity that redneck West Virginians wouldn’t allow to exist in redneck West Virginia. She wouldn’t fuck you, because she’s a college graduate that’s going places in life, so let’s leave it at that.. Oh wait, she has a mug shot too, from an “undisclosed misdemeanor” last summer, so she’s clearly no angel… You might get an HJ.
9 – Katie Saria
They describe Katie as the “college girl” that everybody likes to push around.. because she’s in college, but that doesn’t really seem like a reason to push someone around to me… Then again, these are the same people that drive pick-up trucks through swamps, roll their friends down hills in tires, yell “Yee-haw” sporadically, and… Oh yeah, they’re rednecks.
10 – Jessie J
He is Shae’s boyfriend, and that’s about all you need to know. He has no official introduction on the show’s credits, which means Shae is probably going to suck some other guy’s dick early on in the series, and break up with this guy. There’s a 99% chance this guy is sitting in jail right now after this show finished taping. He also has a daughter, so if MTV has a heart they’ll set up some sort of a fund for her.
About the Author: @itsborys