Stuff Fat People Like

A while ago a website and book came out that outlined many of the things that White People like. We here at the LDU would like to take a less discriminatory view and discuss the many things that overweight or fat people like despite their culture or colour. An overweight person is anyone with a BMI over 25 (your weight (kg) divided by your height squared (m)). This is, of course, about to get ruthless, so if you don’t have the stomach for it or maybe you do, or you’re sensitive to this topic- don’t read on. Instead, go on and crack that unopened tube of cookie dough you said you wouldn’t eat until you worked out once this month, then go and reminisce about your awkward formative years. Without further ado, Stuff Fat People Like:

1 – Eating: Let’s start with the obvious, in case you didn’t know, if fat people didn’t eat they wouldn’t be fat at all. They would likely be models or so they will tell you. Apparently anyone with a size 32-34 waist or a size 4 and below is “model sized” to any fat person, not what should be average. Notice, I didn’t leave a minimum number for girls…just a max. Yes, there is a double standard, it’s not our fault we got a y and not and two x’s.

2 – Other fat people: Strength in numbers. Nothing makes a fat person feel secure in their body image like a pack of cankled compatriots.

3 – Escalators: Like stairs without the walking.

4 – Free Health Care: Nothing like a taxpayer safety net for your lack of self control.

5 – The Biggest Loser: Nothing like an inspiring story that you’ll forget about in a half hour when you’re watching CSI and 2 pints of Ben and Jerry’s down.

6 – Online Shopping: Goodbye change room embarrassment, hello custom sizes.

7 – Darkness: Nothing slims better than pitch black.

8 – The un-educated: Who else would still believe that bones have varying densities from person to person.

9 – Doctor’s Notes: Who else can get you out of running the mile in gym class?

10 – Diabetes: It lets fat people know that they’ve truly entered the big leagues of letting oneself go.

11 – Wheelchairs: Like walking without the standing. And people will wonder if you’re actually sick too or just fat and then err on the side of caution and treat you with more respect than you deserve.

12 – TLC: Nothing like watching the specials on the, “Man who ate himself to death” or “The Heaviest Person on Earth” to make fat people feel like there is a rock bottom out there that they aren’t even close to hitting.

13 – Back-in-the-day: A time that fat people can remember when they were less fat or some claim to have even been in shape or even Olympic calibre swimmers but upon further investigation of such preposterous claims you just deflate your incredulity by discovering it was all just a pack of lies.

14 – Television: Like living real life without any of the exertion or time spent not eating.

15 – Handicapped Parking: Truly obese people actually get these stickers from their doctors…sorry grandpa they took your spot, looks like you’re taking your walker out of the trunk for this one.

16 – Travel: Fat people love being asked if they would like to be bumped to first class when the passengers that fit in the coach seats complain that their breathing is being infringed on. Fat people also use travel as an excuse to over eat in the name of sampling the local fare…even in such diverse locations like Madison, Wisconsin or Palm Beach, Florida.

17 – The Indoors: Like the outdoors but without the ridicule and with climate control.

18 – Law Enforcement: A career suited for a large number of obese people.

19 – New Shoes: Shoes tend to wear out quickly when massive amounts of excess pressure are exerted on them, and fat people love their foot cushioning capabilities to be firing on all cylinders.

20 – Oprah: The champion of the fat people’s cause for believing that money and success will somehow override their obesity.

21 – Value Menus: Fat people love to save money on massive fast food purchases.

22 – Guns: The only thing keeping fat people safe from natural selection.

23 – Cars: Like running really fast over a long distance or carrying your groceries home but not. Fat people love cars and SUV’s because they can go almost anywhere with only minimal calf cramping and mild exposure to the elements.

24 – Sleep: What fat people consider as, “taking it easy”.

25 – Salads: Fat people thoroughly enjoy the comforting notion that they are being healthy by eating a salad with their meal. It could have more calories in dressing than a Big Mac or simply compliment a 2000 k/cal meal. Regardless, fat people need their salads and they like them tossed just like you and I.

26 – Clothing: Tight or loose fitted fat people will wear anything that guarantees that they are not seen completely naked. From panchos to jeans that look like the zipper was beaten into submission in order to be done up fat people live in constant fear of nudity.

27 – Whales: A mammal that fat people can not only identify with but also resemble when in aquatic environments including showers. Manatees are another fat fan favourite.

28 – Rollercoasters: If a fat person is not too wide to ride, rollercoasters are a fat person’s version of extreme sports. The physical exhaustion from waiting in line followed by the exhiliration of speeding down a ramp while their pulses reach dangerously high levels is easily the highlight of a fat person’s year.

29 – Cruises: All you can eat and massive slow moving floating object. That is all fat people need to know.

30 – Costco: Where fat people go when they need to stock up for a day or two days worth of groceries.

31 – Drive Ins: Why be publicly humiliated inside a fast food restaurant when you can order from the comfort and privacy of your own car.

32 – Roseanne: Fat people’s Marilyn Monroe. A classic beauty, a classic star of the silver screen.

33 – Anorexic People: Fat people love the opposite end of the spectrum because it gives them the ability to say, “wow, that is so unhealthy” or, “wow, I could never do that I love food too much, those people just have problems”.

34 – Global Famine: Fat people love going to bed every night with the knowledge that if there ever was a global shortage of food that they would totally come out unscathed. Some University level biology texts will actually go as far as to suggest that some “Globesity” is a result of preparation for such a famine. What the fat readers don’t know is that the PhD’s who wrote those books were being entirely sarcastic in positing such a ridiculous hypothesis.

35 – Death: Like sleeping but permanent. To a fat person this is the real endgame…become so fat that they just straight up die. Interestingly, fat people have their own hell in real life that they don’t need to die to experience, aka lying down watching their lives slip through their chubby fingers as they continue to do nothing and think about what life could have been like if they just got up and lived it.

Yes I did write this after a 10k run so it’s cool that I took some downtime to write this and no it isn’t my only workout today. Am I crazy? Depends on who you are, I guess I’m the minority on this continent. Forget swine flu, obesity is the real pandemic.