So here we are, December 31st, 2009 – the last day of the year. Sheeet, it’s the last day of the whole damn DECADE! I don’t know about you, but I’m about to crack open some pre-bubbly brewskis to celebrate the occasion in abouuuut… negative 2 hours. It’s okay – they’re LIGHT beers, so even if you start drinking them at like 8:00 am, you’re not an alcoholic. So it was written, and so it shall be.
Partypartyparty tonight, kids – you deserve it. 2009 was a hard year. There was all of that recession junk going on, and MJ died, and the war in Afghanistan raged on… and Jon and Kate Gosselin split up… tough times all around.
So tonight, get pretty, get crunk and say buh-bye to 2009 – ‘cause tomorrow you’ll be waking up to say HALLO to 2010!!!
If you’re like the rest of your gluttonous peers, you might wake up tomorrow morning (or evening, depending on how hard you party tonight) feeling slightly less than stellar. The holidays are officially over and it’s back to school in just a few days. FYL.
Your skinny jeans won’t zip up, your liver is audibly WHIMPERING (you can hear it wailing through your flesh all creepy-like “waaaAHHOOwww WOoOAHHh BLARGHHH!”) and you have this pee-pee rash kicking that you reaaaallly hope is just razor burn. (G’luck with that, ya HOORE.)
Moral of this typical tale of New Years Morning ickiness? You’re probably gunna want to make some ‘New Years Resolutions’ to sort of absolve yourself from the sins of your little week-long holiday bender. A lot of people do this, and it’s a great practice – in theory. Pledge to become healthier. Quit Smoking and drinking and BigMacs. Read more books. Spend less money. Go to class sober once in a while. Whatever. It’s all gravy… if you actually stick with it – but most people don’t.
How do I know this? Well, look around for starters. Do you really notice the amount of fatties and binge-drinkers and effing idiots in general going DOWN? If people actually kept their NYRs, Mickey Dee’s and the LCBO would have gone under long ago. Not to mention BIG TOBACCO, WAHAHA.
So I say FUGGIT. Fuck making New Years Resolutions this year (unless of course, you resolve to do something like “buy O’Nizzle plenty of toys”, which I totally support).
This year, I resolve to make NO NYRs. Wait – scratch that – I’ll make one. I resolve to donkey punch every single one of the bloated chubsters who will be clogging up my gym during the first two weeks of January before they inevitably realize that “working out” involves more than buying a brand new pair of Lu-Lus and walking on a treadmill for ten minutes.
Without further delay, Courtesy of Gawker.com, here are 9 New Years Resolutions that nobody will keep – and some alternatives for you to consider!
Who Tries This : Fatties, single women, everyone
Why It Will Fail : We live in a fat world with McDonalds on every corner, high calorie lattes in every cup, and trans fats leaping out at you from every aisle. Also, you have no will power.
Alternative : Get on The Biggest Loser . Gorge on all your favorite fatty foods and get big as a house. As long as you have a personality just as big, NBC will cast you. Then you’ll get fame, fortune, and a trainer to help you lose all the weight. It’s perfect!
Who Tries This : Writers, masochists, cancer patients
Why It Will Fail : Just face it, the tobacco companies and their poisonous chemicals are stronger than you. Also, smoking is cool, glamorous, and fun. They even do it in the movies!
Alternative : Get one of those electronic cigarettes . That way you can tell people you’re not smoking for real but still get the nicotine you love. No nasty fits or cravings. And you can “smoke” inside. Score.
Find a New Job
Who Tries This : The unemployed, the underemployed, freelancers, people who hate their bosses, journalists
Why It Will Fail : It’s the economy, stupid. The only Job you’re gonna find is that dude in the Bible who gets eaten by a whale. That and you still have “career objective” on your resume. It’s time to stop with that, because everyone knows, like a fat slut at last call, you’ll take anything at this point.
Alternative : Find a great way to defraud unemployment. If you can get a free check from the government and not have to do anything, then good on you. All the cool, creative people aren’t working anyway, so you’ll have some hip cats to go to the movies with on a Wednesday afternoon and have the theater to yourself! Just make sure you find a way to stay out of jail.
Go to the Gym More Often
Who Tries This : Skinny guys, guidos, the gays
Why It Will Fail : Lifting weights and running on a treadmill is hard. Cruising the steam room is easy. And if you’re getting laid at the gym, why do you even need to bother improving your body?
Alternative : Open a bathhouse. New York sure could use some new ones, and this way you can get free admission, get off, and make tons of money at the same time. And, if you’re a closeted guido, you have a great excuse for why you’re spending all that time in a towel.
Spend More Time with the Family
Who Tries This : Working mothers, business men, middle managers, people who don’t watch Mad Men
Why It Will Fail : Because all of the people who aren’t reading this (and half of those who are) are trying to take your job. If you’re not putting in 60 hours a week at the office these days you are expendable. So stop whining about missing soccer practice and get back to work, slacker.
Alternative : Redecorate your office. With all the time you’re spending there, you can at least make it nice. We suggest putting in a doggie bed under your desk. It’s perfect for naps/crying in the fetal position.
Who Tries This : Idiots
Why It Will Fail : Because it’s a stupid idea. The economy is crumbling, the planet is collapsing, and the world as we know it could end at any second. Drink up, butter cup. It’s the only thing that will get you through.
Alternative : Find a cure for cirrhosis of the liver. That way, you’ll never have to quit drinking and humanity will be saved. We’ll even buy you a shot when you find the cure.
Who Tries This : Girls, gay bloggers who want a rich husband so they can retire
Why It Will Fail : We don’t want to get all He’s Not That Into You , but you’re not that desirable. And nothing kills a man’s wood like desperation. Not even nude pictures of Kathie Lee Gifford.
Alternative : Become a lesbian. Ladies, you can have all the love and companionship you’re looking for, but with another old maid. It’s perfect! You can talk about feelings all you want, and you don’t have to worry about how you dress or what you look like as long as your cats get along with her cats. Of course, if you’re gay, you won’t ever be able to get married, but there are worse things, right? Like dying straight and alone.
Who Tries This : Pseudo intellectuals, former English majors, poors who don’t have cable
Why It Will Fail : Reading is hard and boring and puts you to sleep. Just wait until the first time you’re at a cocktail party and you start off a conversation with, “I’ve been reading The Luzhin Defense …” people will head to the door faster than in a train car with a fart in it.
Alternative : Become a reality show expert. All it takes is some spare time, determination, and a DVR. And everyone talks about reality shows. You’ll be a huge hit whenever you go out. Well, if you can tear yourself away from the TV long enough to reenter society.
Get out of Debt
Who Tries This : Suburbanites, socialites, mediaites
Why It Will Fail : This involves scrimping and saving and denying yourselves all the material pleasures in life. That sounds boring. Nobody even works or has money anymore. Even all the rich people who made money off Madoff are poor now. It’s almost cool to have a mountain of debt.
Alternative : Cure the gold crisis. We’re not sure if you’re aware, but gold is poisoning our country and you should turn all of yours in and get some cash for it. In fact, it’s your patriotic duty! And don’t you dare use the money you get from your old fillings and grandma’s ring to pay off your credit cards. Fuel the economy by spending on a nice new pair of shoes. It’s for America Canada!
Can we all just resolve not to resolve? Or how about we all just resolve to do something LEGIT like say… chugabeerhavesexwitheverybody? There you go. Your new, improved outlook on NYRs.
Filed Under: LDU Originals
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