Mark McGwire Admits to Steroid Use

Well the juiced up cat is out of the bag.

After getting a measly 23 percent of the most recent Hall of Fame vote Mark McGuire cries like a baby with Bob Costas for a CBS special. He even apologizes to Bud Selig. Now, I’m not sure if any of you know this but steroids make you overly emotional. Judging from McGuire’s display of waterworks, perhaps this 250lb former batting champion is still on the ‘roids. He pretty much breaks down in front of Costas. And I guess the even bigger question is, does anyone even really care? Ever since home run titles have been falling faster than cross country runners after keg stands, it has been painfully apparent that a large majority of professional baseball and other pro sports players are taking anabolic steroids.

The issue remains, should pro athletes all be forced to take performance enhancing drugs to level the playing field? That way, at the end of every season each team doctor will be the first to hoist the trophy instead of the captain, the way many crooked sports scientists think it should be now. Maybe the sporting landscape is entirely too banal and predictable. Perhaps added challenges to sports should be required in order to up the difficulty, turning the amps from ten to eleven so to say.

Instead of just carrying a bat to the plate all baseball players should also carry a broadsword which they must then use to fight their way through each baseman also equipped with a broadsword and full armour. Each coach is given one grenade to be used strategically to shock the opposing team and likely kill off some of the competition. This also frees up precious front row season tickets for the literal diehard fans.

Football will be played entirely on a field of broken glass and instead of being played on foot, players excepting the kicker will play the entire game on Harley Davidson motorcycles and carry tazers. Olympic swimming will now have the added difficulty of having chummed water containing moderately sized tiger sharks. Lane ropes will be replaced with free floating fishing nets and each competitor will be allowed to swim with either a knife or a cyanide pill in their teeth. Soccer will take on rule changes to make it rugby and rugby will be made more difficult by having four teams play at once. Hockey will otherwise remain the same aside from knives which will be mandatory in all future fights. NASCAR and F1 will be modified to fit a format similar to the movie “Death Race” while basketball will be played entirely in prison gyms whereby the losing team hits the showers and the guards are never around when they need to be. UFC will undergo moderate rule changes to include a “Royal Rumble” format whereby all the fighters of all the weight classes are simultaneously supposed to fight and the last man standing is considered the best “pound for pound fighter in the UFC”.

All in all, I think these adaptations to professional sports will make them more exciting and generally more appealing to fans. Not to mention a more worthwhile reason for athletes to adopt a massive steroid habit. We came close with Monica Seles in the 90′s but there hasn’t been a good sporting death since the fall of the Western Roman Empire and I think we are long overdue.