John Mustang: The Kamikaze Wingman

This past weekend I took a break from Club Weldon to meet up with some friends in Toronto to see DJ Sharan at the Guvernment… seeing as I was at the Guv I knew it would be a good idea to get really, reeeally drunk if I was going to partake in the insanity.  No big deal.  Many of those drinks were provided by my friend Mac, who promotes at said club and had bottle service that night.  While I was half in the bag I remember him telling me that he’d grab another bottle if I’d be his wingman for the night by wheeling the friend of the girl he was trying to close with.  We’ll call the girls Tyra and Heidi for the rest of the story.

Being the amazing wingman that I am, I start entertaining Heidi the best way I know how- by making out with her on the dance floor. This of course had a direct impact on Tyra’s willingness to throw down with Mac, and the next thing I know the 4 of us are in Mac’s car on the way to Heidi’s (parent’s) condo in somewhere-in-midtown-TO.  As Mac and Tyra exchange pleasantries in the front of the car (Mac doesn’t drink so don’t write any letters to MADD) I decided once again that in my role as wingman I should probably continue to entertain Ms. Heidi.  So naturally I start finger-blasting her in the backseat of the car… it took a bit of maneuvering, as she was wearing tights under her skirt, but I’m the best at what I do.

At Heidi’s (parent’s) 3 story townhome/condo/whatever we decide it would be a good idea to do a bit more drinking and of course smoke some of the good stuff;  and this is where I have to share something about your boy John- if I smoke AND drink I get really fucked up.  My memory is really in at out at this point, but Mac and Tyra disappeared to one of the rooms upstairs, leaving Heidi and I in the living room.  At a loss for words, and feeling the need to fulfill my duties as the greatest wingman ever, I found exchanging the following words with Heidi:

H – “So what do you think they’re doing up there?”

J – “Probably having sex if I know Mac”

H- “Do you wanna have sex?”

J – “Only if I turn you around”

At which point I took her to the kitchen, turned her around, bent her over behind the counter, pulled up her skirt, pulled down her tights, took a seat belt out of my wallet, strapped in, and plunged into the unknown with a standing-up-doggy-style technique that allowed me to cover my own 6 and provided the opportunity for me to feign innocence should Mac or Tyra come downstairs.

Now you’re probably wondering why I requested that Heidi turn around while I was having sex with her, or why I would be a little apprehensive at the thought of us being caught by Mac or Tyra. Well I chose not to disclose a vital detail until right about now- Heidi is a shovel-fighter.  A professional-Hall-of-Fame-bound-fucking-shovel-fighter.  Not the kind of girl you probably thought of when I decided to name her Heidi.  Now Tyra was beautiful, funny, and fun to be around, and don’t get me wrong- we weren’t chasing donkeys, BUT Heidi was not of the same calibre as Tyra.  Far from it.  Also, don’t walk away from this thinking I was unaware. Mac and I were BOTH aware of this fact, and that was part of the reason why his getting me more alcohol became part of the agreement, and why I knew I had to  smoke a bit before I could buy Mac anymore time with Tyra. So now, re-read the story and imagine  Heidi not for the Heidi-Klumesque face and physique I had you originally picture, but for the shovel-wielding-troglodyte she really was.

And at the end of it all Mac never did have sex with Tyra. Believe me I asked- and you know what?  That part doesn’t matter. As his wingman I set a pick for the lay-up, I put up a block against the blitz, I set the ball for a perfect spike, and I provided him with the opportunity to score, but the rest was up to him. Its a service I offer to all my good friends, because that’s the kind of guy I am.

My name is John Mustang, and I’ll be your wingman… even if I have to crash and burn to do it.