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Enjoy this week’s jokes!
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You bastard!!!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?”
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers.
The first woman says, “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”
The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”
The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”
A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, “Keep off the grass.” After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
A man and a woman who had never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man stands up, wakes the woman and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?”
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, ” I have a better idea, just for tonight, let’s make pretend that we’re married!”
The man says happily, “OK! AWESOME!”
The woman says, “GOOD …. Get your own fucking blanket!!!
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