Enjoy this week’s jokes!
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, ’cause my pee barely trickles out.”
“Heck, that’s nothing, ” said the eighty year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours, because of my constipation. It’s terrible”.
The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don’t wake up ’til eleven.”
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.”
A grieving widow goes to her local newspaper to submit an obituary. The man behind the counter tells her it will cost $5/per word. She thinks for a moment and says, “Fred’s dead.” The man then informs her that there is a five word minimum. She’ says “Okay… ‘Fred’s dead; Buick for sale.’”
There are girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. In order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. They asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend.
She says, “I call my man 7-up.”
They ask her, ” Why do you call your man that?”
And she replies, “Because he’s seven inches long and he is always up.”
They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.”
They ask,” Why do you call your man that?”
And she says, “Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me.”
They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.”
They look at her puzzled and say,” Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor!”
A she says, “Exactly.”
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