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Enjoy this week’s jokes!
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. Every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. That being said, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
A wife says to her friend, “Our sex life stinks.”
Her friend says, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face when you’re having sex?”
She says, “Once, and I saw rage.”
Her friend says, “Why would he be angry during sex?”
The wife says, “Because he was looking through the window at us.”
An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”
“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks ,”How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age. It is not polite.” the mother warns.
The little girl says, “Ok, How much do you weigh?”
“Now really, these are personal questions and really none of your business” the mother says.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, honestly!” the exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything” the little girl says to her friend.
The friend said, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card- it has everything on it.”
Later that night, the little girl says to her mother “I know how old you are. You are 32″.
The mother is surprised and asks ,”how did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds” says the girl.
The mother is past surprise and now shocked… “How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
The little girl says triumphantly,”And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really? And why’s that?” the Mother asks.
“Because you got an F in sex.”
The mother fainted.
*Submitted by Dave via Email*
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