Jessica’s Jokes – Birthday Surprises, Condoms, Blowjobs & More : The Lion's Den University
Class Notes - 02/25/17

02/25/17 - Class Notes

This class we are going to be discussing multiple things from the textbook. Re-read some of the sections you discussed later to make sure you understand all of it. In order to get back to the site once the teacher goes away, simply hit the close button at the top right next to comments and share. If you are the teacher and reading this, cut the kid a break - if your class was more interesting this would have never happened in the first place.

There are several things that can

Jessica’s Jokes – Birthday Surprises, Condoms, Blowjobs & More

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Enjoy this week’s jokes!

A husband and wife go to visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”

The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”

“How does he drive you crazy?”

“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he always looks at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”

The marriage counselor was amused and asked, “Anything else?”

“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”

“Hmm, anything else?” probed the counselor further.

The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”

“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”

The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”

The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”

The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed, and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”

The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”

The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”

The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”

“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”

The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”

“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.

“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”

“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”

“What did he say?”

The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. ‘Don’t screw up.’”

__________________________________________________

condoms

A mother walks into her daughter’s room holding a condom in her hand, “I found this while cleaning your room today…. Are you sexually active?”

To which the daughter replies, “No, I just lay there.”

__________________________________________________

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”

“What! Are you crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick,” he ensures his girlfriend.

“No! Someone might see us…”

“It’s just a small blowjob,” he insists, “and I know you like it.”

“No! I said no!”

“Baby, don’t be like that.”

Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom.”

__________________________________________________

06

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, ‘Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember,’ I thought to myself, but the children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.” I felt a little better. Someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday……. and there I sat on the couch……. naked.

JJ

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