Enjoy this week’s jokes!
A dick has a sad life.
His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
A man gets pulled over on the freeway by a state trooper and the police officer tells the man, “This is my last pull over before my shift ends, and if you can give me a good enough reason why I shouldn’t give you a speeding ticket, I will let you go and we will forget this ever happened.”
So the guy tells the officer “Well sir, I found out today that my wife cheated on me and left me for a cop, so I was speeding, because I thought you were that cop, and he was trying to give her back to me.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world that could wake him up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he?”
“Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered, “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass as a scoreboard!”
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!” “No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”
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