As many of you probably know, June is the time of Spring Convocation. Facebook and Twitter are blowing up with pictures, tweets, and posts about graduating, diplomas, and wondering where the last four years went. But we have to remember that graduation is a double-edged sword; yes it’s exciting to be done school, but graduates are also shitting their dipes over what the hell is supposed to happen next. Try to avoid these 7 questions/statements when talking to your newly graduated friends, because instead of celebrating their achievements, you’ll actually just be reminding them that the fun is over and their life now sucks.
- Excited to move back with your parents?Only those sniffing glue are excited to move back with their parents (no offence mom & dad). But be real, our parents don’t want us back in the house either; both parties are counting down the days until it’s move-out day part two. Unfortunately, for the majority of us, graduation is not the right time to ask this question because the countdown is still too painfully long to handle.
- I have this friend who graduated last year, and they’re *fill in blank with amazing life*.That’s great… for your friend. But hearing about someone else’s success can only make a new graduate wonder if they could ever achieve half the crap your friend did. Especially if your friend majored in science or math or went to an Ivy League business school… just politely nod and ignore the fact your friend’s new English degree will get them nowhere in life.
- What are your plans? I have none. Thanks for the reminder.
- So are you working now? This question is basically a double negative; if your friend does have a job, they probably hate their life and would do anything to have taken some time off after graduating. If your friend does not have a job, it’s probably because no one has hired them even though they’ve handed out 482 resumes. It’s won’t be easy for them to try to forget that they can’t even fold clothes at The Gap with their degree/diploma. Just avoid the topic of work… for about a year.
- Oh you’ve graduated! So are you doing your masters? Hahahaha a masters degree… no. This question just reminds graduates that they should have started planning for their masters in third year by prepping their grades; getting volunteer hours; filling out applications; all of which they didn’t do… because it only took them a year to convince themselves that a masters degree wasn’t for them. Graduates won’t appreciate you reminding them that they’re full of shit for thinking that they didn’t need a post-grad-plan.
- Time to settle down! This phrase is terrifying for both men and women. You think the first thing a guy wants to do after paying for school is spend mad cash on a RING?! And it’s not like girls spend four years on their degree to not use it and just pop out kids. “Settling down” is about as important to graduates as sobriety and abstinence.
- Well, it seems like you fill the growing statistic of unemployed university graduates. Yes, the economy has gone to the dogs, and literally thousands of people across the country graduated this spring with the same qualifications we have. We may not find jobs, but hey, there’s a bright side. We spent the last four years drunk. #winning
After writing this list, all I can say is… screw graduating. After all, they say leaving university after your fourth year is like leaving the party at 10 o’clock. Victory lap anyone?
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