So, I was busy doing my two favorite things today – masturbating and farting – when I realized a) how weird I am (but not as weird as this guy) and b) how uniquely male these two activities are. Granted, women both fart and masturbate, but they aren’t willing to proclaim it as loudly and proudly as if they had pertinent information on an all natural cough drops from Switzerland. It’s like the idea of China quickly becoming the new superpower or masturbating to Facebook: we all know it’s occurring, but we choose not to talk about it. So, let’s talk about it. Farting might not be a sexy enough topic, so let’s focus solely on masturbation: what are the double-standards at play when it comes to the nation’s real favorite past-time?
This is how men would prefer to disseminate the information that they are farting and masturbating
How comfortable are we talking about it?
Men: This answer is fairly obvious – we like talking about it as much as my Grandpa enjoys talking about the weather. It is a topic that is welcome in almost all settings…within reason. If you are in a business meeting you cannot get up and excuse yourself on the grounds that you need to hurredly ejaculate into the sink because you woke up late and missed your morning shower. That being said, it makes many rounds in casual conversation right in between girls you claim to have had sex with and the awesomeness of Doug Gilmour.
Women: Times are-a-changing and women have come a long way from the days when the idea of inducing a female orgasm was seen as a last-resort medical procedure to treat a serious disorder. Indeed, the strict taboo nature of female masturbation has decreased in recent years and although it is a giant, disgusting festival of superficial narcissism, shows like Sex and the City have done their part to unbutton sexy, slim, low-riding, over-priced designer jeans worldwide. That being said, it still remains a rather risque topic of conversation that is reserved for the closest of friends, I imagine, on rainy, humid nights as they gather around the Sex-Ouija board playfully hitting eachother with pillows when red-wine accidentally spills all over shy, slender, and perky Jennifer’s dress, which is totaallly not a big deal because Jill, the loud and confident owner of the house, has a washer in the secluded basement that they could use.
Nevertheless, some groups of women never broach the issue and it is clearly not as open a topic as it is for men. When guys see a hot girl they don’t hesitate to make hilarious and clever jokes like “I need to quickly go to the bathroom” or “she just made a big deposit at the Bank of Spank” or “I will remember what she looks like in order to masturbate to her later”. If a hot guy walks by, I’m assuming women aren’t saying they are “going to play their piano like a drunken Billy Joel” or ”Spider-Man their faders like Tiesto”, mostly because no one will know what the hell they are talking about and Tiesto is a poor example of the vigorous use of the cross-faders.
Thoughts: For guys, all the upfront talk about masturbation imbues them with a sense that masturbation is ok, that, like badminton or bocce ball, it is a perfectly acceptable recreational activity. Indeed, the cultural third-base coach is always waving us home (to our futon with our laptops firmly pressed against our chests as we try to figure out what the hell they are yelling in German that is so goddamn sexy). On the flip-side, does less talk about masturbation or in some circles, no talk at all, dissuade women from doing it? Does it produce vaginal alienation or, at least, a hesitance to do it? Further, dicks are like a wrench, the second you pick it up you know how it works, whereas, vaginas are like the manual re-entry controls for Apollo 13, it takes a certain technical expertise to operate them. So, if there is a hesitance and a lack of open forums for discussion, the ability might never be acquired and the doors to some women’s sexuality might remain under lock and key forever or at least until college. A possible solution to this has been knocking on Mr. McGinty’s door for sometime, but he’s probably too busy masturbating to his positive poll numbers among the conservative Christian demographic.
This is a realistic renactment of the weekly meetings men have to discuss how vaginas work
The Aesthetics of Masturbation
Men: The image of a guy beating his dick is about as sexually appealing as someone beating a seal. Gay men may find it sexy, but women do not. This may speak to the visual and superficial nature of how men are turned on, but, nevertheless, straight men and women in general, find it as gross as foot-pus.
Women: From a guy’s perspective, this is a no-brainer, it’s hot; really hot. The internet has millions of hours of video to prove it. But, what do women think? In talking to a bunch of girls about this I was able to find out a) asking girls on the bus if it would turn them on to watch a girl masturbate is a great way to meet women; try it sometime! and b) their responses fell into two camps. The first camp thought it was either hot or really hot. Some girls even said they would never consider being with another woman, although by some quantum logical leap, they said it still turned them on. The other camp said it didn’t sexually excite them, but they understood why it was sexy and either found it aesthetically pleasing or neutral.
Thoughts: Culture is silly sometimes; it says that it is ok for men to talk about masturbation yet it finds it gross and even though it finds women masturbating to be universally hot (can culture make universal statements?) it won’t allow them to talk about it. Fuck culture; it should wear a helmet and have a biopic made about it where a well-known actor cheaply panders to the Academy in order to win an Oscar. But, alas, this might make some sense. Firstly, men find masturbation jokes funny because they are inappropriate and offensive, which is precisely because it is disgusting. Delving even further, as we saw last week, men are Admiral Woo – that is, they have to woo or court a potential mate not the other way around. This is partially because we have more to gain from the interaction – i.e. being a player vs. a slut – and, as such, men are the hunters, the instigators, and, thus, the dominators. This makes women the goal for guys and the idea of them doing something sexual like masturbating represents this; we want it, we deeply crave it. Thus, the thought of them masturbating is desirable and hot. But, really, let’s not kid ourselves, if you stripped the male body and the female body of all sexual considerations, and saw them merely as aesthetic objects to ponder, the female body and it’s lines, contours, shapes, and general lack of hair, are simply more pleasing.
We’ve seen how each sex talks about it, we’ve been over the aesthetics behind the act itself, but, lastly, what do we need to do it? A warm bath? Some scented candles? The seductive rhythms of Sarah McClaughlin smoothly bounding throughout the room as you slowly slip into the sultry strawberry bath-salts and begin your erotic journey up to the climax of Self-Love Mountain? But, enough about me and my dick’s pavlovian response to early Sarah McClaughlin (Lilith Fair rocks!), how do women and men in general like to do it?
Men: Do we use porno? Does a bear have sex with the pope in the woods? Wait, what? Let’s try that again: Do I use porno? If you type Y-O-U into my browser this is an ordered list of what will pop up: ‘youjizz.com’, ‘youporn.com’, ‘youtube.com’, ‘youshitonmydickandthenputitinyourmouthandthenmake-outwithme.com’. In any event, this shouldn’t come as a shocker – pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry.
OK, we like porno, but when do we do it? Do we need a specific context? And how often? The context doesn’t matter; we’ll do it anywhere. Porno is not required, but preferred and the act is as integral to a usual day as breakfast, a shower, and a morning poop. And we don’t have to be in the mood; it’s like an iPod Touch, you just have to touch it to turn it on. In terms of frequency, I do it once a day…when I wake up and then after that it’s a free-for-all; I generally plan my day’s activities around having some time to masturbate. Lesser men that God doesn’t want to procreate as much, probably do it about once-a-day.
Women: This is a sticky one to discuss. From my travails and awkward questions over the years, it seems there is the most amount of variance on this one. For guys, it’s pretty identical across the board, but for women the frequency, when and why they do it, and what materials they use is sharply divided into two categories. The most common one I have found and that happens to be the cultural stereotype on the matter, is that women are not as visual, and carnal, and superficially turned on by fleshy, disconnected body parts. Granted, they enjoy these things, but only if they are couched within the proper emotional context. They must be in the mood in order to masturbate; they are like an iPod that is out of battery and must be charged before use. The other camp, which seems like the minority, avidly use pornography, masturbate frequently, do it quickly, and just “press to play”.
But, who knows, maybe calling this group the ‘minority’ is like calling Asians in Markham the minority: we are so used to identifying one group as the majority, we fail to see they are in fact outnumbered. Or, maybe, this group could become the majority, maybe women are not rigidly and biologically-inclined to be less visual and more emotional. Ironically, our deterministic biological proclamations might be creating this behaviour as opposed to passively observing it.
These questions are complex and, to be honest, I cannot really answer them. What I can say, is that it is plausible that these cultural double-standards we have discussed serve to reinforce each-other. Talking about masturbating is much more taboo with women, thus their sexuality becomes more taboo, which makes them less likely to enjoy their bodies, to explore them, to understand them and to see porno as an acceptable sexual means. But, then again, maybe women just don’t feel the need to constantly broadcast things they see as “private” and see most porno as contrived, misogynistic, hogwash. Either way, what the fuck do I know, I am just one man that likes to write about the things he loves.
If you found this article shitty, predictable and uninformative, you will probably not like this one: 5 Double-Standards That Should Be Buried Along With Pauly Shore.
The author, Bomber! (you have to exhale dramatically after you say his name), also writes a daily blog on his hopeless and grueling attempt with an unnecessarily extreme work-out program.http://bombersp90xperiment.blogspot.com/
Filed Under: LDU Originals
About the Author: Bomber did not speak until he was 11. His first word was 'Chinook'. He can predict the future with whale bones. He once folded his penis into a sailboat and played lego with it. He agrees with everything Noam Chomsky and Glenn Beck says.