Cosmopolitan Hell: Women Deserve Better

Once upon a time, in a local university town, a 20-something year old bought a Cosmopolitan magazine, and after hours of careful study she learned all the  “75 ways to please him in bed”, the “5 traits that bag a boyfriend”,  and the “ 5 little things to make you more attractive”. Armed with her self-improvement arsenal she took on the dating scene, found the guy of her dreams, and through the deft application of her lessons she maneuvered a successful and happy relationship to the altar…where its throat was slit like a sacrificial bull as 30 virgins bathed in its blood. Graphic? Yes. Truthful? Inevitably.

There is one piece of advice I could give to young impressionable women desperately searching through the pages and websites of women’s magazines for that key to ending the apparent hell that is your single status: STOP.  Beyond the occasional interesting pieces on new sexual positions you might find, BACK THE FUCK AWAY. If you really want a relationship that bad, here is why you shouldn’t be looking for advice on news stands at your local convenience store:

1.    Penile-centric literature:
Have you ever actually stopped and really looked at the kinds of things that are written in women’s magazines? Have you ever compared them to men’s? Articles from magazines such as Cosmo may all be written for women but they are all about men. They contain simple lists of instructions on how to make yourself more attractive, for a man. They peddle advice on ways to change your behaviour to make you a better girlfriend for him and the “lust-have” jewelry trends that will make him cream in his pants. My question is, why is it that in a woman’s magazine all you can learn is how to change yourself to fit a man’s desire all with the subtle context that you aren’t good enough the way you are? Do we really have nothing better to talk about? Do you think Maxim is out there giving advice to men on how to change to snag a girlfriend? No! They are writing about ways you can give him a better blowjob. They aren’t interested in decoding the ‘hidden messages’ behind what women say instead they read about video games and “sweater kittens”.

2.    Breeding Fear not Romance:
For all the articles there are about different “ways to say I love you”, there are at least double the amount of articles about “ways to tell if he is cheating”, “why he cheats”, “most popular seasons for cheating” etc. These magazines aren’t helping people to establish meaningful happy relationships, but instead are breeding grounds for fear and paranoia. Do you ever hear those stories, or even know someone who has stolen her boyfriend’s cell phone rummaging around for clues that he is unfaithful, or religiously stocking his facebook page for random images of girls or secretly coded sex messages on his wall? Here’s why:
How to tell if a guy is Cheating
Why Guys Cheat in the Summer
The Real Reasons Why Guys Cheat

All these magazines do is teach women to distrust their relationships, and to see malicious intent in every gesture.

3.    Sometimes a tree is just a tree:
It is no wonder then that with all this literature telling women that men will cheat, are cheating, or have cheated, women often engage in over annalistic behaviour. They are told constantly that men never really say what they mean and that as a result you need to follow the 12 rules on “decoding his snuggling style”, “the ways to tell if he is into you”, “ways to get him to tell you the truth”, “what he really means when he says…”  You want to find out what he is thinking? How about you ask him?! How about you learn to have real conversations with your partner instead of creeping about and trying to manipulate him. What about telling women “10 ways to create honest dialogue in a relationship” or “tips for getting comfortable enough to BE YOURSELF”. Men aren’t that complicated. For the most part they say what they mean and aren’t spending hours agonizing over the way can spoon you just right to let you know that they don’t really like you.

Sometimes ladies, a tree is just a fucking tree. Sometimes when he decides not to sit right next to you on the couch its because he is comfortable the way he is, not because he is going to break up with you and is secretly fucking your best friend and your sister…. and your old roommate.

4.    It’s all bullshit
There is no secret that the writers and editors of these magazines are privy to that make their advice any better than the advice you can give yourself. There is no secret rule to great relationships, there aren’t 10 ways to tell people are lying, or if he loves you. There aren’t 5 things you can do to make yourself more attractive unless one of those is becoming more confident in who you are and in the decisions you make.  Stop letting these magazines peddle their fears and insecurities and the next time you are looking for a good read, try picking up a book… or reading this website.