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If there is one thing our modern world lacks, it’s a genuine, natural-born badass. Not like Charlie Sheen or Criss Angel, but someone that is so bad to the bone that they end up dying while committing one final act of badassery. The kind of people that go down in history for “going down swinging” against all odds.
Although they probably suffered doing it, these bad boys did wonders for their image by simply dying, and for that we salute them. .
1 – GRIGORI RASPUTIN
He had a sweet beard and acquired enough notches in his bedpost to be dubbed ‘Russia’s greatest love machine’, but Rasputin’s finest accomplishment was his death. After surviving a gutting by a knife-wielding hooker, he was secretly fed cyanide a month later by his pal, Prince Yusupov. Even though the amount was enough to kill five men, Rasputin was totally fine, so Yusupov shot him in the back. At this point Rasputin realized people were trying to kill him for real, and got pissed. He strangled his attacker and was shot three more times! He went down, but lived. Yusapov looked like an idiot in front of his friends and had enough. He wanted Rasputin dead, and dead he would be— So he clubbed him until he was unconscious, and cut off his penis for no reason other than to be a dick. Finally, believing Rasputin was gone for good, he wrapped his body in a carpet, and tossed him into an icy river. BUT RASPUTIN DIDN’T DIE!
When his body was found, his fingers were frozen in a claw position, as if he was trying to escape from under the ice. He eventually drowned, but had the last laugh. When his corpse was cremated, his tendons shrunk causing his body to sit up right and jerk around like he was still alive.
2 – D.B. COOPER
Not much is known about this guy, and we’re not even sure of his name, but we do know he had balls of steel. Back in 1971, Cooper (an epithet coined by the press) hijacked a plane and held the passengers hostage until he received $200,000. Once he had his money, he casually jumped out of the plane and parachuted to the ground. The FBI could never find him, so they just assumed he died. Years later police found the ransom money by a river, and we can only assume that he died due to some sort of complication, but they never recovered a body. Whether he lived or not, D.B. Cooper proved himself to be a boss that day.
Way to stick it to the man, D.B.
3 – GENGHIS KHAN
Genghis Khan got so much ass, that 1 in 16 people in the world are related to him…. for serious. Knowing death would eventually come, mainly because he was a ruthless barbarian, Khan spent a good portion of his life mid-coitus. Back then there was only one way to expand an empire, and that was by murkin’ your enemies and spreadin’ your seed. By the end of his life Genghis controlled half of the world… and that was just because he didn’t know the other half existed. Some say he died in battle, others from disease, but it doesn’t matter because over 5% of the planet is currently related to him.
You can’t kill him… you can never kill a man like that. His legacy is embedded in our DNA.
4 – PABLO ESCOBAR
Despite defying the law his entire life, killing over 4,000 people and running the largest/most successful drug cartel in history, Pablo Escobar was a pretty good guy. He had a nice family that he legitimately cared about, and used a lot of his drug money to build schools, churches and homes for his Colombian hometown. So it was almost a shame when someone snitched on him, ol’ Pablo got caught.
When the Colombian Police went to arrest him, he proved to them pretty quickly that he wasn’t going down without a fight. Jumping out of a window onto a rooftop with guns blazin’, Pablo had an epic, but short-lived fuck-tha-police moment (before it was mainstream). This only made people love him more, and now he is a hero to poor people everywhere.
5 – OROONOKO
Born a Prince then sold a slave, Oroonoko did not take his oppression lightly. After being screwed over one too many times by the white man, he organized a slave revolt. However, it kind of failed, and he knew he was in trouble. To protect his wife from a painful death he decided to kill her himself—by decapitating her. I suppose simply strangling her wouldn’t be badass enough. Because of his crimes, he was to be publicly executed— limb by limb. While they sharpened their blades to kill him, he kicked back and lit a cigarette. Starting with his ears and nose, they chopped him up, as he sat silently, smoking the entire time. Until they chopped off his hands—then he couldn’t smoke anymore, but he looked really badass until that point either way. No fear was shown at any point in this process, and zero fucks were given that day.
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