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It goes without saying that James Bond movies are always worth seeing. Whether it be the exotic locales, the gorgeous “Bond Girls,” the cars and gadgets, or the menacing villains, every Bond movie has its own particular flare and mission behind it.
Skyfall was trying to bounce back from, by Bond standards, a weak movie. The plot of “Quantum of Solace” was bad. I mean, really bad. By really bad I mean that I could write a better movie. If you didn’t see “Quantum of Solace” what you missed was the main villain threatening to take 60% of the water in Bolivia, and then raise the price of it.
That’s right. Mission fucking impossible.
However, most people overlooked – or could not see the absurdity – the terrible plot because of the aforementioned Bond Movie staples in my first paragraph. There were hot women; he was exotically located; and there were explosions. People, me included, would see any Bond movie even before knowing how good or bad the plot would be, solely because it was a Bond movie: brand loyalty at its finest.
So, knowing that some people realized that Quantum of Solace wasn’t a great movie, Skyfall was turned into what a James Bond movie should be. The plot was much more relevant and severe than Bolivia’s public water supply being threatened. The antagonist was arguably the most unique villain in any movie I’ve ever seen, a fact that is upheld by one of the best monologues ever by Javier Bardem.
Go see Skyfall if you haven’t. If you have seen Skyfall, go see it again. This being said, my column wouldn’t be my column if I didn’t dislike something about Skyfall. My beef goes beyond the movie and into all of the Daniel Craig-starred James Bond flicks. This part is about to get pretty chauvinistic so if you’re not down with that just know that Skyfall was a good movie and stop reading here. I don’t condone the objectification of women or women being hurt or harmed in any way, especially by men. That being said….
Daniel Craig as James Bond is a fucking pussy when it comes to women. The following is a rundown of why he sucks.
- Daniel Craig wins card game and impresses hot married chick. Right before he was about to have sex with, her he bails to go chase a bad guy. Pussy.
- Daniel Craig ends up falling in love with a woman who takes all of his money. HE REALIZES SHE TOOK ALL OF HIS MONEY and he chases her down. A fight with bad guys ensues and she starts drowning. He tries to save her. She dies and he cries. Massive Pussy.
QUANTAM OF SOLACE
- Manages to overcome his impotence and has sex with that one redheaded woman. Nice
- Daniel Craig helps the second lady kill the guy who killed her family. He makes no advances once the job is done; he just says “goodbye.” Pussy.
- Daniel Craig meets an admitted sex-trade worker from Macau who has been a ho since she was 12 or 13. He sneaks onto her boat and comes (potential double entendre) from behind her in the shower.Weird. Likely got AIDS.
DANIEL CRAIG TOTAL MOVIES: 3 DANIEL CRAIG TOTAL WOMEN SLEPT WITH: 3
Wanna know who Daniel Craig could take a few pointers from? Pierce “I just pierced your girl” Brosnan. Brosnan played a much more suave, sophisticated, and womanizing James Bond, which as you can see is clearly my preference. Here are Pierce’s godly statistics.
- In the FIRST SCENE CAR CHASE Brosnan drives recklessly while on a MI6 evaluation. The woman he’s driving with tells him to stop. He does and then proceeds to pop a bottle of Bollinger Champagne, then he has sex with HER IN THE CAR! IN THE CAR, MAN!
- The crazy Russian bitch Xenia Onatopp tries having sex/killing him at the same time. He does the foreplay, puts a gun to her face, then gun butts her in a car. HANDLEZ BIZ, SON!
- After Natalia was being a salty hater on Pierce throughout the movie, he manages to have sex with her AFTER admitting he didn’t care if she died.COLD AS ICE, HOMIE!
TOMORROW NEVER DIES
- After flying out of a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION, Pierce is at Oxford University “brushing up on a little Danish” aka banging a Danish professor (who happens to be a dime).
- His ex-girlfriend happens to be the main villain’s new wife. This is no issue as Pierce proceeds to GET ALL UP IN THAT. She gets killed and Pierce kisses her cold dead body, because he doesn’t give a fuck like that.
- After saving the world Pierce and his (hot as fuck Asian) accomplice are getting hot and heavy on a British battleship. One can only infer that some post-world saving coitus occurred.
THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH
- Pierce is subjected to a medical examination after being injured. He is not fit for duty by normal standards. However, he uses his silver tongue (potential double entendre) to persuade the doctor. Double points here.
- Brosnan is in charge of protecting the main girl who obviously falls for him. He sleeps with her. (Are we still counting?!)
- Denise Richards just happens to be some sort of biochemical nuclear genius in the movie – believable…. – and Pierce saves her life. In the end has sex with her while MI6 watches through thermo-binoculars. Yes he has sex with Denise Richards who, in the movie, was named “Christmas.” He drops this line: “I thought Christmas only comes (Double entendre) once a year.” BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAPPP SMOOTH AS BUTTA SON! SHOULD I KEEP GOING?! FUCK YEAH ONE MORE MOVIE. LET’S GO.
DIE ANOTHER DAY
- Pierce casually has sex with Halle Berry. Halle Berry!
- The British Agent girl sent to watch after him is actually an evil double agent. As he is unaware of this factoid, he has sex with her. In a palace of ice, player.
- To put the icing on the cake of his tenure as James Bond, Pierce gets all up in Halle Berry AGAIN…. On a bed of fucking diamonds. That’s right, diamonds.
PIERCE BROSNAN TOTAL BOND MOVIES: 4 PIERCE BROSNAN TOTAL WOMEN SLEPT WITH: 11 Daniel, roll up your sleeves, you have some work to do.
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