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The gym is a great place. Not only does it keep you feeling good and looking great, but there is potentially nothing better than hitting the gym after a stressful day and channeling all your pent up energy and aggression into an ass-kicking workout. However, such a great environment is bound to attract a wide assortment of people, and as a result there are a few questionable characters you will likely run into each and every visit.
1. The Gym Barbie
I swear to god, every time I watch a girl prance into the gym wearing what looks like 5 pounds of makeup paired with jewelry, perfume, and hair perfectly done up in a way that is totally unacceptable for the gym, a little part of me dies. This isn’t a fashion show ladies; I understand you want to look good, but you are here to work out, which, in case you haven’t noticed, generally means sweating. And I promise you, nothing looks worse than a girl with streaked foundation and raccoon eyes, after 15 minutes on the Stair Climber. You do not look cute; you look like Chuckie.
2. Chicken Legs
This one goes out to a large population of guys, a lot of whom like to hang out at the Western gym. You know who you are. We get it, you like to work out your upper body. In fact, your biceps might even be bigger than my head. But do us all a favour and mix in some squats or leg presses because you look like the Koodo guy, and I’m actually worried those toothpicks you call your legs might snap one of these days. It’s called proportion boys, try it. Oh and if I catch you doing bicep curls at the squat rack, I will likely throw a dumbbell at your head.
3. The Creeper
Every gym has one, the douchebag guy that is there all the time, but spends more time harassing girls than actually working out. Listen up buddy, the bar is for socializing; the gym is for exercising. Do you really think openly gawking at us, making degrading comments that you think we’ll take as compliments, or offering to check our form while we are doing a straight-leg deadlift will make us want to give you our number? No, it won’t. For god’s sake, just leave the ladies alone and work out.
4. Tommy Text-A lot
These are the idiots who insist on hogging all the good machines while not actually doing anything other than texting on their phone. I’m sorry, but if you are using your phone for anything other than music while at the gym, you don’t belong. Why even bother pretending to work out? Go for a walk outside with your head buried in your phone, and you might get run over but at least you’ll get some fresh air and won’t be wasting my valuable work out time. Simply put, I don’t care how popular you think you are—unless you are Kanye West or someone of similar celebrity status, you can handle putting your phone down for an hour or two while at the gym.
5. The Screamer
So you broke your bench press record? Congrats, man. But is it really necessary for you to scream and grunt bloody murder throughout the entire gym while your face takes on the colour of a tomato, and your veins desperately try to escape your neck? Easy Hulk Hogan, I get making a little noise when you’re working really hard- hell, I do it to, but you are on a whole different level than the rest of us. Not only do you draw the judgmental attention of everyone around you in the gym, but we also all now have an idea of what you might sound like when you…you know.
6. The Guy That Takes Mirror Selfies
This one is pretty self-explanatory, and I’m ashamed to say that I know a number of guys who are guilty of this. These are the guys who stand around A- Checking themselves out while they work out “My arms look SO HUGE right now” and B- Then feel the need to take a picture of it so they can grace Facebook and Twitter with their huge muscles. If you were really working out that hard, you wouldn’t have time to take a picture of it. And posting shirtless selfies you took in the Guy’s change room ranks pretty high up on my Douche-status list. Please, don’t be that guy.
7. Gossip Girls
These girls generally travel in packs, and are often members of a sorority (which would explain their unnatural peppiness and tendency to say everything in unison). For these girls, the gym is more of a social outing than a serious work out. You will likely find them lounging around on the gymnastic mats, bouncing on yoga balls or walking/jogging on the treadmill, kind of working out but mostly just filling each other in on all the “juicy” details from the previous weekend. I can guarantee you will find them on the hip abductor machines at some point during their workout, and if they think you are listening in to their gossip-filled gym talk they will likely shoot you a well-practiced dirty look.
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