When we found out Disney had hidden secret, sexy messages in our favourite animated classics we felt like idiots, but this led us to discover a much grander act of tomfoolery that has been committed. Throughout our childhood, we have been tricked into believing that our favourite TV cartoon characters were merely eccentric and quirky. Little did we know that they were all on drugs, something that the animators knew we wouldn’t figure out until years later.
Without trying to destroy your childhood, I present your favorite cartoon characters that were 100%, without a doubt, HIGH the entire time.
1 – Scooby-Doo
Drug of Choice: Marijuana
Obviously. His middle name was Dooby.
He’s exhibited classic stoner symptoms, including fits of euphoria, unkept appearance, paranoia and hunger even after eating a 5 foot sandwich in a single bite. Above all, Scooby possessed the ability to talk— a skill maintained by only a few others dogs (Wishbone, Brian Griffin, Goofy). Weed clearly took his normal dog brain to a state of higher intelligence, breaking down barriers obstructing human/dog communication and helping him form a meaningful relationship with his buddy Shaggy.
2 – Norville “Shaggy” Rogers
Drug of Choice: Magic Mushrooms
Shaggy liked to smoke weed, but he liked to eat mushrooms more. Poor Shaggy seemed to be trippin’ balls every episode. Sometimes he’d have a great time talking to Scooby, but other times he’d freak out and see ghosts. He was always scared, cautious, and wanting to stay back while others went to investigate— probably to avoid a bad trip.
3 – Ms. Frizzle
Drug of Choice: LSD
If my assumption is correct, Ms. Frizzle dropped acid every weekday. In her mind, she was a fashion icon/ teacher that would take her students on a crazy, educational adventure— shrinking the “magic” school bus to dust-particle-size, and baking in in a cake, or traveling in someone’s blood stream, etc. However, in reality, she probably loaded the kids in the bus, took a seat and hallucinated while shouting random facts that they actually learned from. Her teaching method was unorthodox, but did we not learn more in that half hour, than in any science class ever?
4 – The Animaniacs
Drug of Choice: Cocaine
Yako, Wako and Dot claim that their super spazzy behavior compensated for the fifty years they spent locked in the Warner Brothers studio tower. However, their overconfidence, increased hyper-activity and massive dilated pupils suggest it was more likely due to hard drug use. Being released into Los Angeles in the early ‘90s, it was an inevitable fate for the naïve triplets.
5 – Care Bears
Drug of Choice: MDMA
I guess it’s hard NOT to be ecstatic when you live in the Kingdom of Caring, or the Forest of Feel Good. Nothing can bring the Care Bears down and if you try to they will get you. Oh yes, they will get you with the Care Bear Stare— banding together and shooting love and happiness out of their bellies… and then rubbing each other’s bellies, because it just feels so damn good!
6 – “Taz” the Tasmanian Devil
Drug of Choice: Bath Salts
Before it was cool to rip your clothes off in broad daylight and munch on a hobos face, Taz was doing it every Saturday at 9am for forty years. Compared to the rest of the Looney Tunes, Taz was in another dimension. He lacked the ability to socialize normally, like the rest of the animal characters did, and would destroy or eat anything in his path. He was erratic, angry, and most of the other Tunes would stay out of his way. He was somehow always spinning his legs while standing in the same place, and was oddly incoherent at all times… bath salts.
7 – Johnny Bravo
Drug of Choice: Alcohol
Although they never showed Johnny boozin’ it up, it is clear as day that he was habitually hammered. Using sunglasses to hide his drunkenness/hangover, Johnny would hit on any female in his vicinity, and epicly strike out. Like any other drunk guy, Johnny was persistent with the ladies and his self-esteem would never falter, despite his many failures. Lonely, unemployed and living with his mother, his substance abuse was somewhat understandable, and his unwavering liquid courage was insurmountable.
8 – Snoopy
Drug of Choice: Barbiturates
There is no way anyone— not even a dog, can sleep soundly on their back on the roof of a doghouse without being heavily sedated. Being a loyal pet to the pain-in-the-ass Charlie Brown, Snoopy had his work cut out for him and probably didn’t sleep as much as a dog should listening to all that constant blathering. Snoop had his connections of course, as the the comic strip and show were not shy to display Lucy’s PSYCHIATRIC booth— where she could legally prescribe meds to the neighbourhood dog.
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