Science is great, but it takes its sweet time making things we can actually use in everyday life more awesome. Using movies to tease us, scientists dangle wonderful inventions in front of us all the time, with no intention of actually producing them. Here are some awesome movie inventions we’re still waiting for (and will likely never see):
1 – Technology: FemBot Gun Bra
A fully automatic rifle that you can dual-wield with your chest, and fire with your mind! Boobs would no longer be a joke. They would be the most deadly weapons on the planet. I dissected an old Victoria’s Secret double push-up bra— if you remove the padding there is definitely enough room to fit a nipple-sized gun and a few extra rounds of ammo.
As for the mind control, that can be left to the scientists.
2 – Technology: Time Traveling Phone Booth
It’s been over twenty years since Theodore Logan and Bill S. Preston introduced the George Carlin powered time machine. Since then absolutely no progress whatsoever has been made on releasing a modernized version to the public. It is truly a shame that George Carlin is dead and we will never get to hang out with our future or past selves… Unless they update the phone booth technology for cell phones. Go Science! Go!
3 – Technology: DIY Surgery Machine
Elizabeth Shaw uses what can only be called the “emergency-abort” option on this incredible machine to eject an alien fetus, that had sneakily impregnated her, but the DIY Surgery Machine can also be used in more practical circumstances. From major to minor, you could have any kind of surgery in the comfort of your own home with this machine, and best yet— you’d be your own doctor.
Hungover? Inject some medical hydration fluid. Gross zit? Amputate it. Old people that have fallen and can’t get up would no longer have to suffer and wait for a loved one to come help. They could just drag themselves to a DIY Surg Mach, dial in the cure, and be ship-shape in no time.
4 – Technology: Cupboard
Movie: Indian in the Cupboard
This bit of tech is kind of like a microwave, but instead of making delicious meals, it would make miniature humans that answer to your every beck and call. I understand the cupboard is an innovation that might mess with the natural order of things, but it would be worth it. A form of servitude would be instated, and these toys would be our bitches. Barbie would answer my text messages, and Ken would be employed as my man servant, clicking ‘next’ on Netflix when I wasn’t feeling up to it.
Oh, and I’m aware that the movies says this cupboard “magic”, but any scientist will tell you this movie is based on Newton’s 3rd Law (don’t argue unless you know what that is without looking it up).
5 – Technology: Dinosaurs
Movie: Jurassic Park
The day humans walk amongst the dinosaurs may not be far off. From my extensive and thorough research, I have gathered two things:
1. Humans possess the ability to clone
2. There is dinosaur DNA still on this planet.
If we combined the two ideas, we can concoct a plan to recreate dinosaur cells. Using a crocodile, an ancient giant squid or something similar, we could use these cells to birth a baby dinosaur and revive the dino species. I’m not suggesting that we build an entire Jurassic Park (we saw how that played out), but must we completely rule out dinosaur pets? Like the pterodactyl for starters. They’re small for their species, pretty much herbivores, and you could fly on their backs. Wouldn’t you rather do that, than take the bus to class? What could possibly go wrong?
6 – Technology: Smart Pills
If you’ve been in any post-secondary institution for more than one year then you’re aware of an eternal truth- thinking is hard, and it would be sweet to have a pill that did it for you. Even though death was a possible side effect in the movie, it doesn’t have to be like that. I often wonder what the world would be like if we all functioned at our maximum potential. Take a couple Smart Pills (Street named Smarties) to the slums, and watch hobos turn into millionaires. If we could overcome the obstacle of death, Smart Pills would be nothing but advantageous to our society… until then, anybody have some good addy?
7 – Technology: Dream Machine
Lucid dreaming is so hot right, now and the dream machine would take things to another level. Most people could probably only handle a single dream within a dream, so scientists would have to figure out a way of restricting access to sleep within a dream, but if this could be done— it would be awesome.
Ok, secondary hilarious Inception Trailer #FTW
8 – Technology: Growing Machine
Movie: Honey, I Blew Up the Kid
Often overshadowed by its more successful counterpart, the shrinking machine, the growing machine is a tremendous device that was unfairly overlooked, because it was featured in a shitty movie. Imagine the things we could make bigger— food, weed, our irreplaceable childhood t-shirts from Northern Getaway! We need to erase our fear of big things imposed by that gigantic baby, and embrace the growing machine. It is the device of the future.
About the Author: