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If you came to a university with an actual plan on how you were going to use your degree, or you developed one along the way that’s more-or-less airtight, then this article isn’t meant for you… until of course you fail miserably. For the rest of you that can openly admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing, here are 6 of the most popular fields of study at The University Of Western Ontario, and why they suck.
1 – Psychology/Sociology/Anthropology/Criminology
I figured I’d go at this group first, because then I’d be getting to the majority of people that will be reading the article. I do not know who convinced you that this program was worth any time, but you’ve been duped. The people who run your university enjoy taking your money the most, because they know how valueless your piece of paper will be upon your graduation.
Have you ever asked yourself this: With this super sweet degree, what can I do afterwards?
Now, making money is not the be-all end-all, but progressing in life and becoming a contributing member of society certainly is. I don’t see a degree that costs 24 grand+inflation in, more-or-less, “friendship” to be a progression towards anything functional.
Want to know why it was so easy to get into your program? That’s because it is pointless as fuck, and anyone could do it. You’re not developing a skill, like bricklaying, tool and dye, or plumbing; you will have absolutely no skills beyond graduation, aside from being able to regurgitate facts and write an essay at the last minute that isn’t really that good (likely by your own admission). Think about it… What else do you do?
Every single time some douchebag or idiot tells me that they’re in one of these programs I put on a shit eating grin and say:
“Oooooooooh, that’s soooo interesssstinnnnngggg”
Sorry, but it’s not that interesting, and it never will be. If you really wanted to learn about any of these topics you should have bought a book, and you don’t need to be in school to learn most of this stuff. You don’t need a professor to tell you to read 50 pages to read 50 pages; just read 50 pages. If you’re interested in Freud, go read up on why you want to kill your dad and raw-dawg your mother on your own time. Maslow? Go fux wit dat old ass playa in a library. The wool is pulled over your eyes, but it’s not too late.
Degree Value: 30,000
Likely Occupation: Starbucks
2 – Business/Finance/Commerce
This is the vaguest degree around. What is business? Your doctor’s office is a business. A company that purifies water is a business. Prostitution is a business. University is a business. What are we even talking about here?
That being said, a lot of you “business students” end up falling into two different categories: The first is just a general follower, the second is a know-it-all-can’t-shut-the-fuck-up-about-your-opinion-on-everything- douchebag.
I met a lot of the first type of people during my undergrad. They were super fucking excited to go out and gag on the corporate dick. Nothing could make them happier than getting a job in an office. They salivated at 5 Sigma, and were really on being an accountant. These people aren’t that bad, but I pity them. Their entire life will be dedicated to becoming a good little worker and they will bend their entire lives just to please whoever pays them. These people need to watch Fight Club, and figure out what the fuck they really want to get out of life before they piss away their souls.
The second group is exponentially worse. If you’re hanging out with these people you’ll know without too much effort, because they are always eager to demonstrate just how far gone they really are. “Arrogant douchebag” doesn’t begin to describe them, as these are essentially “surface” terms, used to loosely describe a group of people are simply put, ugly on the inside. If you’re with a group of people not of their “calibre” they’ll be the ones attempting to give their opinion on everything, and describe in detail how nobody else’s opinion on economics/global markets/politics/job creation/social norms/education/sex/Scrabble could possibly be more correct than theirs. These people are under the impression that investment banking is cool as shit, and to be good in the business world you have to be a sneaky piece of shit. Ask anybody that’s actually working in IB, and they’ll tell you the exact same thing.
Some of them will make money; a lot of money. That’s hype as fuck; that’s dope; that’s the
American Canadian dream, bro! But many people get lost up in the dollars, and think that’s gonna get them women/happiness. Dropping your yearly income conversationally isn’t a pick up line. And ladies, you don’t have to be a bitch, because you’re wearing a skirt-suit.
You’re not your job, you’re a person. While these programs will churn out mid-to-upper level success stories, it will also produce thousands of shitty people.
Degree Value: 20,000-unlimited
Likely Occupation: working for an obscure company
3 – Kinesiology
Here is every back story from every single Kin student’s ever:
“I played sports growing up, and I love exercising. What degree is there for me? Say that again please?! Ultimate Frisbee is a graded class? I don’t need to take any of the hard science classes after first year? ‘Sports for marks’ isn’t just a fun catch phrase? Sign me up!”
I almost enrolled in Kin for these reasons, and back when I was 17, I thought it would be perfect. I loved phys-ed class; it was my highest mark every year, so hearing that there was an entire program based on that concept with a bit of science thrown in sounded too good to be true!
Knowing a little more about how these things actually go down, I feel bad for these people now. They do learn a ton of useful things, but if you ask any upper year or graduated Kin student, they’ll tell you that there aren’t enough jobs out there for the average Kin grad. You all can’t be physiotherapists, and there aren’t enough gymnasiums out there to employ you all. I’m sorry.
Degree Value: I don’t want to bring you down. Just try your best to become a physiotherapist’s assistant and we’ll call it a day.
Likely Occupation: Something completely unrelated… Or a physiotherapist’s physiotherapist.
4 – Journalism/Media Information Technology
Get it? No you don’t. Math was never your strong suit.
You’re the kind of person who uses the terms “consumerism” and “capitalism” without detailed understanding of what either word means. I also guarantee you own a Mac, and you hate corporations, because they’re “baaad, and just wanna make moneeeey,” but you drink Starbucks daily.
Before enrolling, you liked watching movies and thought that “hey, why not get a degree in critiquing them?” Now you can’t watch a movie and enjoy it, because you’re too busy explaining to the people around you why it’s a bad movie; what you would have done differently; and the origin of every concept portrayed by the director.
I bet you saw Zeitgeist and your life was “changed” irreversibly.
You say things like “the media is just controlled by a bunch of soulless corporations,” and then go on to TMZ and lurk Pinterest… for hours.
You think you see the world so much differently than anyone else does, because you know so much more about the “underlying messages” hidden in every form of media.
You’re out there to expose the world of all of its shortcomings via Facebook, but don’t really do anything about them. You complain and don’t act. You’re a big, sobbing whiny pussy.
I don’t really even know the point of this degree, either. I guess you are learning the skill of…uhhh… yeah, I have no idea.
I hope to god you’re not going into debt for this.
Degree Value: You don’t care because your parents paid for it
Likely Occupation: Starbucks… while you work on your first screen play/novel/second degree
5 – Engineering/CompSci/PureMath/Architechure/Physics/Biology/Chemistry
These were the kids that sat inside a lot during high school. These programs are filled with many Eastern Europeans and Asians, because typically “they work harder” than the rest of us, but many of them lack social skills. Many of them really, really, really lack social skills. Also, it only takes 2 beers to induce a level of drunk neither you nor I, unless you’re the aforementioned group, have ever experienced aside from getting alcohol poisoning.
The thing is, with all of the potential shortcomings many of these people have, once they’ve graduated, Jesus Christ they roll bank. They stack cheddar and sit on 24 inch chrome. These people are developing actual skills that can be translated into real things. They are the reason that buildings are built correctly and don’t fall. They are the reason why phones keep getting better, more efficient, and let you download countless apps to fill your empty life. They are the reason you get sick and then become healthy again. These people run the world.
My cousin did his undergrad in engineering, then got a master’s degree in engineering. He was making lasers. Now he designs and writes code to create security cameras. He can make security cameras… Are you kidding me? I can barely make a sandwich, and I bet you’re in the same boat as I am.
I have mad respect for any of these people. Don’t be surprised if they not-so-subtly rub it in your face when they start rolling after their degree while you’re at Starbucks saying “I might go back to school…..”
In short, this degree only sucks, because its students have some of the shittiest university experiences ever, but at the end of the day, they’ll eventually have the economic freedom to party like we never could have dreamed during undergrad… As long as they don’t self-destruct from academic anxiety first.
Degree Value: 50,000.00 – unlimited
Likely Occupation: furthering the advancement of the human race
Alternate – Anything at College
This can go both ways, because if you are going to develop a skill then you’re not wasting your time.
Do you know how much a plumber or electrician makes? A fuck ton more than anyone coming out of university with any sort of Arts degree.
When you go to college, you’re typically in school for a shorter amount of time than it takes to get a university degree, and will will walk out with a legitimate trade under your belt, not just a piece of paper. This is very good.
That being said, the reason why Community is one of the funniest shows on television, is because it shows what a farce college can be. Funshawe College offered a class called “Lord of the Rings”, where, surprisingly, you read Lord of the Rings and discusss it.
Go through the Fanshawe Course Guide. There are some legitimately useful courses, and there are some that are so farfetched that they could hold a leek.
Degree Value: 0 – infinity.
Likely Occupation: Anything or Pierce Hawthorne
Bonus – No school at all.
This is either the best choice or the worst. I’m not sure yet.
Degree Value: 0
Likely Occupation: A job you could’ve had when you were in high school, but at least you didn’t waste 4 years or more of your life.
Now, with all that said, the best part of schooling has to be your endless hypothetical limits. While you’re in school you could hypothetically be anything afterwards. You can always say “I’m going to do masters, and then a PhD and get a super sweet job and career afterwards,” and while you’re in school no one can refute that.
While you’re doing a psychology degree you can say that afterwards you’re going to become a psychologist .While doing a degree in media you can say you’ll be a journalist. While doing a degree in business you can say you’re going to be an investment banker.
Then you graduate, and all of a sudden it’s not what you’re going to be, but the sobering fact of what you are. Some people get those jobs, and have great career success. However, being a graduate now, I notice that a fucking ton of people aren’t. Some people are so far off it’s not even funny.
What I hope I did was sober you up, and help you face the fact that maybe what you’re pursuing in university or college isn’t worth your time, or maybe it is. But who am I, right? I write anonymously. Don’t worry, I’m probably wrong…
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