Author Archive for Bomber
Bomber did not speak until he was 11. His first word was 'Chinook'. He can predict the future with whale bones. He once folded his penis into a sailboat and played lego with it. He agrees with everything Noam Chomsky and Glenn Beck says.
Fitness Friday: Penis-Pain and 5K Run
P90x: Day 54 My posts have become the length of a 1st year liberal arts paper – so, I promise this one will be short, sweet and sexy just like that girl in my 1st year polisci class that I almost talked to once, instead opting to play the suave ‘hard to get’ card, making zero eye [...]
Fitness Friday: Learning To Krump. Burning The Calories.
Between Friday and Monday, the skies parted and the giant hand of fate appeared, handing me my life’s mission statement. What did it say? Become a veterinarian? A taxidermist? Kill Andy Dick? Make life-like dolls of celebrities with your pubic hair and sell them on eBay? It is none of these — sadly, I realized [...]
![How to Pick-Up Women You Walk By On the Street [Video]](http://www.lionsdenu.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/woman_walking-150x150.jpg)
How to Pick-Up Women You Walk By On the Street [Video]
We’ve all been there before: a hot lady quickly approaches you on the side-walk, what do you do? Stop, drop, and roll? Flail your arms around? Make a witty political comment? Discuss your love for animals? Pull your belly out and seductively rub it? Nope. Don’t do it. Do this, Share
Fitness Fridays: The Reichstag of My Mind, The Sudetenland, and Norwegian Death-Metal: P90X
Day 40 – Shoulders and Arms and Ab Ripper X Anger today. Intestine-crushing, teeth-gritting, Chris Brown plus Bobby Brown, ‘what the fuck did you say bitch’ anger. And it’s not the form of anger that helps you workout – the confident, deep, testosterone-pumping, I am taking on the world anger complete with the shaking, methed-out [...]
Fitness Fridays: Calamine Lotion, Patrick Swayze, And My Quest for Body-Jackitude
P90X – Kenpo-X: Day 39 I told a friend I haven’t seen in a while that I was basically on day 40 of P90X. His immediate, overexcited and mildly homosexual reply was, “are you jacked now”? I, on the off-chance my old drinking buddy (who I have spent countless hours with in his mom’s hot-tub [...]
Double-Standards: 10 Reasons Why I Wish I Was a Woman
I’ve been told by some fairly reputable sources that we live in a patriarchy. Men rule the world and women clean up after them, or something like that – apparently, all women are environmentalists. It’s all very confusing to me, but everyone else seems to be in agreement that the rules of society and the [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 36
Shoulders and Arms and Extreme Olympic Celebration Deep Impact. Today, I had the most worthwhile, deserved, necessary, but devastating hangover of my life. Monday March 1st has become the unofficial National Hangover day. Greasy spoons from coast to coast were ladling lard, eggs, and sodium-laced pork product in numbers that would make an Alabaman grandma [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 32
Kenpo-X I would go to a Kenpo X party. Twister, Pictionary, Spin-the-Bottle, Flip-Cup, Midget-Lesbian-KY-Jelly Wrestling: none of this would be as fun as Kenpo. I love watching Kung-Fu films; we all do (or at least should if we consider ourselves good, respectable people). Kenpo X has all the glory, ass-kickery, and martial arts wizardry of [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 31
Back and Biceps After this workout, I sat on my couch in silence, sweat dripping from my brow and crashing against my floorboards. Defeat? Dejection? Disgrace? None of these describe what I was feeling. My brain was empty, not a single, solitary thought in sight. Just a general numb physical sensation all over my body [...]
“VitaminWater isn’t Healthy”, Rules Federal Judge
This came as a shocker to me. I chug down gallons of “rescue”, “defense”, “focus”, and “ab-ripping, jaw-chiseler” daily then I sit on my couch and wait for the health benefits to wash over me: “reduced risk of chronic disease, reduced risk of eye disease, promotion of healthy joints, support of optimal immune function, and [...]
Devastating BP Oil Spill Pics and the Mushroom Solution
It’s been 3 months since the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded in the Gulf of Mexico creating a huge oil gusher that released between 35 000-65 000 barrels of crude oil per day. Over this time, we’ve learned a lot. We’ve learned that putting a giant ‘top hat’ over a gushing well-head doesn’t work; that putting an [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 29
Chest, Shoulders, Triceps, and Ab Ripper X Last week was a recovery week, which gave us the weekend off. Most people that are willing to put themselves through this gauntlet of ridiculous abuse would take the time to eat well and look after their body. I, for a daunting number of mostly negative reasons, am [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 24
Yoga X . Time to unpack some emotional baggage; come along and help if you would like. With this work-out program and this blog, I’ve been forced to monitor ‘how I’m feeling’ and, sometimes, push deeper than simply what the emotion is and down into ‘why’ I am feeling that certain thing. I know that [...]
Dream Team: Montreal Canadiens
If you were given the power to assemble the ultimate line-up choosing from any player that ever skated for your favorite team, who would you pick? And, how? The ‘how’ is relatively simple. You obviously want the players with the most skill and talent, but you can’t choose Orr to play for Chicago or Gretzky [...]
Double-Standards: Talking to My Mom About Sex (Part 2)
I’ve done a lot of stupid things when under the influence of my favorite guardian, Al Cohol. Granted, he has given me the courage to talk to girls, dance, and sometimes even rap; and I thank him for this everyday. But, he has also gotten me thrown in jail and convinced me that making a [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 23
Shoulders and Arms and Kenpo X . . Mornings are different now. I wake up feeling great, energized, and with an overwhelming sense of purpose. I don’t really know what this purpose is considering my days consist of an hour of working out, twenty minutes of writing, and 10-13 hours of Olympic watching. I [...]
Dream Team: The Toronto Maple Leafs
Who would you pick to fill the starting line-up for your favorite team if you could choose from any player that ever played for them? Better yet, who would you pick for every franchise? Welcome to my new life goal: assemble a historically-sensitive and statistically-sound list of the the best possible starting line-up for every [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 18
Day 18 (catch-up day): Ab Ripper X, Shoulders and Arms, and Yoga X . I was speaking with someone today that did not know me, but had read this thing. It became apparent that some people – considering all they know about me is that I workout and would probably make a great life [...]
Double-Standards: Talking to My Mom About Sex
Equality. I do not know what it means, but I do know it is something women say a lot like “I need money”, “why should we split dinner?”, or “I am cold, give me your jacket”. I am not sure they know what it means either. With all the confusion swirling around the issue, I [...]
NHL 11 Trailer Released and It Looks Sick
On the heels of Microsoft’s release of their new slimmer, Xbox 360 replete with their answer to the Wii – ‘Kinect’ – us gamers were given yet another shiny gift from the gaming world today. EA Sports released the first sneak peak of NHL 11 producing a wave of gaming boners in the process. It looks sick. And [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 15 & 16
Chest and Back and Ab Ripper X I hate this routine more than I hate period blood. It’s a bloody mess and a total confidence-shatterer. Any feelings of strength, manliness, or sexiness you have built throughout the week are viciously squeezed out of you like a meal on a Caribbean vacation. (Wow, period blood and [...]
Double-Standards: Relationships
Single life for men is good. Most of the double-standards work out in our favour. As long as you get up to the plate, take a lot of cuts, and hit one out-of-the-park every now and then, everything is good. In 1933, Babe Ruth had 90 strikeouts to lead the league, but no one cared. [...]
Double-Standards: Masturbation
So, I was busy doing my two favorite things today – masturbating and farting – when I realized a) how weird I am (but not as weird as this guy) and b) how uniquely male these two activities are. Granted, women both fart and masturbate, but they aren’t willing to proclaim it as loudly and [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – Day 11
Ab Ripper X and Yoga X I felt tight, strong, and lean today. All day I just wanted to lift heavy things. I didn’t even bother to put on a shirt until well into the afternoon. I woke up this morning wanting to get things done – I immediately tackled the giant, precarious pile [...]
5 Double Standards That Should Be Buried Along with Pauly Shore
There are some double-standards that have had their day in the sun and now it is time to bury them 6-feet deep with the other cultural relics that were obstacles to progress like slavery, racism, Pauly Shore’s career, 40′s hipsters and medieval medical practices. Although, you could argue within a Marxist framework that we are [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – The Depth of Failure
Day 8 (6 & 7 were rest days): Chest and Back and Ab Ripper X Today, I woke up trying to be happy and positive about my lot in life. Look on the bright side, enjoy everyday, be one with the universe in all its infinite beauty et al. I grabbed a steaming cup of [...]
Double Standards: 5 Ways Women Suck in Bed
The most common and oft-bitched about double-standard is that guys who sleep with a lot of girls are exalted, whereas, women who sleep with a lot of dudes are condemned. However, when it comes to sex as a whole, the scales held by that sexy and, I imagine, playfully mischievous blindfolded lady justice, may be evenly [...]
Fitness Fridays: P90X – The Depth of Failure
So, I have decided to start P90X, which is apparently an extreme workout program that uses plyometrics and muscle confusion to rip your body. I’ve always been heavily interested in muscle confusion and body-rippage, so it seemed like a perfect fit. Plus I accidentally bought a pack of tank tops and want to eventually be [...]
Double Standards: Fleshlights vs. Dildos
There are a lot of double-standards between men and women with most them working out in men’s favour. This is either due to pure dumb luck or the fact that we live in a centuries-old oppressive patriarchy (the debate rages on between those that have eyes and ears and the ability to make empirical observations [...]
Fitness Fridays: One Man’s Struggle with P90X
So, I have decided to start P90X, which is apparently an extreme workout program that uses plyometrics and muscle confusion to rip your body. I’ve always been heavily interested in muscle confusion and body-rippage, so it seemed like a perfect fit. Plus I accidentally bought a pack of tank tops and want to eventually [...]
Double Standards: The 6-Level Vagina Matrix
There are a lot of double-standards between men and women with most them working out in men’s favour, but there a few, subtle, hidden ones that do not. The negative male double standard I want to touch on today hit me like a Tampon truck a few days ago and has been my main topic [...]
Transcendentalism, Vodka-Induced Insanity, Illegal Dance Moves and DickTarp: Coachella Music Festival 2010
Coachella is gone now, leaving only the grizzly, kill-me-now physical affects: ears that feel like they are being invaded and viciously assaulted by the Rice Krispie kids, ‘Snap’, ‘Crackle’, and ‘Pop’, a voice that doesn’t work, a throat that feels like it has deeply-embedded wooden slivers in it, the shaking, rattling, hot rushes and flashes and cold [...]
