Al Val’s “One-liners”

One of Canada’s own comedians, Al Val, has compiled a list of some of his favourite “One-Liners” for LDU.  See what you think.

I heard that by the age of 21 on average, since female brains develop faster than males’, their vocabulary consists of  4500 more words than men. But fear not, men – all 4500 words are just different names for colours. … Seriously, what the fuck is mauve?

You can’t call a guy who had sex with a MILF a motherfucker, because he will take it as a compliment.

I’m an optimistic dude – whenever I see a fat person, I imagine them as a “before” picture on a Jenny Craig ad. Keep reaching for the stars, fatty!

I watched as a lady pushed the handicap button to open a door. Last time I checked, LAZINESS DOES NOT COUNT AS A HANDICAP.

How often does the real Mr. Sub eat there?

If I were to ever meet a chef I didn’t like, I feel like an appropriate insult would be, “If you were a cooking oil you’d be extra virgin.”

My dad named me Al. Not after himself, but after his favourite periodic element.

When I was a kid I told people my secrets, then got them to sign a confidentiality agreement in sidewalk chalk. Obviously, that didn’t work out so well… and now I use spraypaint.

If you want to make millions, sell hotcakes. Because apparently they’re the gold standard for how well you are selling a product. Although I have never bought a hotcake in my life.

The guy who invented bread in the first place will never be held in such high regard as the guy who sliced it.

Personally, as far as holidays go, I’m more of a fan of You’rewelcomesgiving Day

What kind of a job is ‘mathematician’, and how do you get promoted? ‘Now you can use numbers over 75,000, but you still can’t use prime numbers.’ I bet mathematicians have pi for dessert all the time.

Remember that time I reminisced?

I killed a Jehovah’s Witness by slamming a door in his face. I felt better knowing that he got closure; I felt better still knowing that he was a Jehovah’s Witness.

I’d be just as frightened by Edward Fingerhands.

I went to a window store but didn’t buy anything. One might say I was only… nevermind.

When in the lab scientists use graduated cylinders to hold and pour liquids. Mine are still working on their degree, so they can’t hold shit.

Next time somebody describes something as “smooth as a baby’s bottom,” call their pedophile ass out.

I went to a high school called All Saints, and we had this rivalry with the school across the road, Donald A. Wilson. We knew we were better because we had all the saints; they only had one Donald.

Gwenyth Paltrow’s kid is named Apple. If Apple were to ever get beat up, she’d be a bruised Apple. If Apple ever smoked pot, she’d be a baked Apple. If she ever smoked a lot of pot, she’d be Apple crisp. If Apple ever climbed a tree and slipped and fell, you’d probably find that Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. If Apple were to ever get wasted at a party, she’d be Apple sauce’d. If Apple were to ever give fellatio (or the fine art of the BJ), she’d be Apple bobbing. Lastly, if she were to get an STD from said bobbing, she’d be a crab Apple.

I saw a convenience store that said it was open from 9 to 10; although where I come from, being open for an hour is pretty inconvenient. That convenience store clearly wishes it was a bank.

I feel like Visine could reach a much larger demographic by including in their ads, “Don’t want anyone to know you’re stoned? There’s a visine for that!”

Miss Universe pageant winners are always from Earth.

Before I went to University, I thought the word “Exigesis” meant God was leaving the room.

I have never read my horoscope ever since that time it told me I had Cancer.

My friend had a jar of Skittles. I asked, “how many are in there?” and he said “about 200, give or take.” I chose to take.

Thank goodness ‘Chlamydia’ and ‘diarrhea’ were too inappropriate to be grade five spelling bee words.

You know you’re about to fight a nerd when you hear “do you want a fraction of me?”

I wanted to join the debate club at university but the president argued with everything I said. What a prick.

In high school my fat math teacher stood at the front of the class and announced, “My heart doesn’t exactly flow at the sight of your exam scores,” but I always thought it was because her arteries were clogged.

I was talking too much in the theatre behind this couple. Eventually they get so frustrated that the girl whispers “why don’t we just skip this, go home and have sex?” And the guy turns around to me and shouts, “Thanks for ruining a perfect evening, ASSHOLE!”

I don’t like dimly lit public areas, because they put ugly people on a more even playing field with the rest of us.

Check out Al Val’s website: www.alvalcomedy.com/