I’m going to give you 8 reasons to watch MTV’s new show Buckwild. Why? I don’t know. I was bored and I watched the trailer for the show one day, and that brief exposure was enough to get me hooked. Boredom’s weird isn’t it? I don’t like it, and I think it’s probably why people start getting into really hard drugs, and say things like, “Fuck it I’m bored, might as well shoot some heroin.” I mean, I’m sure that’s not the only reason people do heroin, but I think it has to be part of it.
Anyway, I saw the trailer for the show, and then I watched like 4 episodes in a row, and so here we are with you reading what I thought was funny about a TV show. If you haven’t read my rundown of the 10 Fucked Up Characters Of Buckwild, then check that out too!
1 – Shain Gandee Is A Beauty
Shain is the undisputed star of the show. And when I say undisputed I mean that my brain had a brief debate within itself on this particular topic and Shain won. Now that you know that, let’s take a glimpse into stardom.
During the intro of episode 3, while he’s driving his “four wheeler” (pickup truck) he yells out
“Up here on top of this mountain, we don’t have to worry about the law. Law ain’t gon come up here and get us”
While it may be true that the law “ain’t gon come up there and getya,” you’re also being filmed, and the things you say are being broadcast to a national a national audience, so guess what there Revolutionary Randy? You’re shit out of luck when you come back down that mountain if “you’ve done broke da law.”
Later on in that particular episode, MTV really flaunts the “Jackass” inspired aspect of the show as Shain tells us that
“when it’s hot around here, we don’t need no water park, or no pool or nuttin’. All we need is some soap, a tarp, and a hill.”
I’m going to let you guess which one of the three wasn’t provided by MTV. The cast then sets out a massive tarp and as the lyrics “Gonna Rock, Gonna Roll” start to play, Shain jumps into a inflatable kiddie pool and propels himself down the 15 degree slope at speeds topping 10mph. Pretty rock and roll if you ask me.
After this adrenaline rush of a scene, we’re taken to some awful party in Shain’s backyard which ends with Shain shooting a pistol in the air, and declaring the party over. In most other parts of the world, gunshots end parties because someone’s just been murdered. Shain fired shots just because he was tired, and wanted people to leave. Apparently he has to work at 4:30 every morning, and can’t find the intestinal fortitude to go into work with a hangover, like everyone else in America. This guy is as “Rock and Roll” as salad and light beer.
It pains me so very much to know that this bastard probably scored a deal worth like $3500 an episode, and it will ALL go to either the Winchester corporation or Ford Motor Company. Yeehaw.
2 – Pick Up Great Parenting Tips
In an early episode there’s a hunt to find Shae, in which Anna and Ashley wonder aloud why someone as gorgeous as Shae has dated a long list of losers. The answer is of course, child abuse. We ride along with these two to Shae’s boyfriend’s (surprise surprise) trailer home! Yet another plot line unravels as Jessie J opens the door, and we discover that, considering how old he looks, what he’s doing with Shae is probably against the law. Oh, and he has a daughter, and I instantly feel incredibly sorry for her.
As the trio of Ashley, Anna and Shae leave, Shae lets it be known that “things are going really great with Jessie.” Defying all logic, she says that his having a child out of wedlock makes him even more attractive, because of “the fact that he’s such a good dad.” Facts are objective not subjective. Your idea of what constitutes a “good dad” is going to be wildly different from that of someone whose father wasn’t the town drunk.
Anyway, the point of this is that Shae obviously has daddy issues. I mean, Jessie J walks out of his trailer home at noon in basketball shorts, a wife beater OVER a wife beater (which is like twice as bad as the double popped collar phenomenon) and a goateestrap (which is a term I just coined). That’s not exactly a home run in the baseball game of fatherhood.
3 – There’s Something About West Virginia Girls
Girls in short shorts, hacking darts, drinking Gatorades to subdue hangovers, and shooting off shotguns… Wow. I’m not a historian, but I’m pretty sure this is exactly why the Civil War was fought in the first place- The men needed a reason to get the fuck out of the house.
4 – You Enjoy The Continued Exploitation Of Teenagers By MTV
One of the reasons I love the show so much is because MTV used to run disclaimers on Jackass that said something along the lines of “this show contains stunts that are completed by trained professionals, nobody else should try these things ever again… and MTV will not be held responsible…” And then they go to West Virginia, find a whole bunch of poor 19 year olds and go,
“Hey! You there, chewing on a piece of straw in your overalls. How would you like to be on TV?”
“Oh jeez gosh golly darnit, I can be on dat der TV?”
“Can you ever! Just sign here, here and here. Great now I’ll just need your soul and boom, welcome to fame.”
Then they give them the tools and resources to act out the same shit as the Jackass crew…underpay them…and film it for profit…which you might think is hypocritical… but this is capitalism, and I think it’s genius. The only reason MTV isn’t exploiting Somalians right now is because it would be insanely expensive to insure a film crew there. If they didn’t have to insure anyone, then you better believe we’d have The Mogadishu Shore instead of The Jersey Shore. Just a whole bunch of pirates getting drunk and stealing ships. God I would watch the fucking fuck out of that show. Someone needs to give me a sketch show so I can film this idea.
5 – Who Doesn’t Love A Trailer Park Love Triangle?
After Shain shoots up that party of his that I mentioned, Jessie J invites the girls back to his place to continue the night. I can only imagine it was because he had roofies stashed away for just such an occasion. Apparently during this trailer park AP, Shae’s pedophilic boyfriend, JJ, tried to seduce Salwa by waking her up, writing “Hey, meet me in the bathroom in 5″ on his phone and shoving it in her face. Somehow none of the girls expected this kind of behaviour from Captain Trailer Park, because he’s usually such a “stand-up guy.” When the girls tell Shae about what he did, she doesn’t believe it. Then Casanova gets out of this sticky situation by denying that the whole thing happened, turning the whole thing around on Shae, and somehow making her feel sorry for ever doubting him. Diabolical.
Later on, the ladies have a “girls dinner.” You know, the type that girls have so they can
get wild and crazy talk shit about each other passive aggressively! Wooo! Jessie J of course crashes this dinner party, and when he sits down it prompts Salwa to run off. The MTV cameras are hot on the trail of action, as Shae and Jessie J confront her outside…
“I don’t believe, like what you told me and like, Jessie would never do that…” says Shae.
“Whaaaat?” replies Salwas.
Jessie J pipes in with “Why would I wake you up and try to have sex with you when Shae’s right there?”
And Shae wins the episode by quietly mumbling, “And I’m such a light sleeper,” which of course insinuates that all it takes to get Shae in the mood is a groan and a tap on the shoulder.
Shae eventually ends it with Jessie J, which means that Jessie J’s five episode arc on television has come to an end, and he’ll have to return to the welfare lifestyle. It’s odd how much the rock star and welfare lifestyles have in common. Like Gucci Mane said, “everyday you’re trick wasted.”
6 – Witness The Weirdest Parties Ever
Beaver’s birthday comes up in one episode, and he tells us that he’s going to try to fuck the newly single Shae that night. My respect for the kid instantly skyrockets, because his thought process is so flawless- (A) It’s my birthday + (B) she JUST broke up with her boyfriend, and therefore probably hasn’t felt some dick in a while (=) Go Time. Who cares if she’s “out of my league” as his friends tell him. This kid is aiming for the moon, because even if he doesn’t reach the moon he’s getting paid to drink on TV. What did you do today?
Shae’s friends are shown encouraging her to fuck Beaver, which is just a ruse by MTV to hide the fact that they’ve obviously put a bonus into Shae’s contract if she sleeps around on the show. It makes for good ratings. Remember Jersey Shore’s “smoosh room”? Instant ratings booster!
This episode just keeps heading in this direction, and at one point Shae just comes right out and says “Yea I’ll throw him some pussy for his birthday.” I’m not even exaggerating. Well, I mean, I kind of am, but that’s basically what she says. Then her friends bring her into the kitchen with this Beaver kid, and say
“Listen Beaver, Shae loves apple butter. If you put it on your stomach, she’ll lick it off.”
They’re basically holding his cock and guiding it into her vagina, like it’s delicate space equipment, and it has to fit just right. And my god, does he almost fuck that up. A nearly impossible situation to fuck up, and he comes so close.
He counters with
“I’ll put it on you, and I wanna use spray cheese or butter on you, because I like the taste of butter better.”
Shae, despite looking disgusted at the prospect of being covered in Cheeze Whiz, soldiers on. Eventually they fuck, and it’s always great to see a career minor leaguer get up to the big leagues for a game. We salute you Beaver.
7 – Rednecks Just Have More Fun
These kids don’t have much to do in their backwater community, so they have to “make” their own fun. The first thing that caught my attention was “muddin’”. Muddin’, for those of you unfamiliar with it, is when you and six of your friends get into a Ford pickup truck built between 1975 and 1984, you put three passengers up front, and the other three make the choice to get in the bed of the pickup and hold on for dear life. Then the driver speeds fast as they can, swerve off the paved road (designed for your safety), and into deep muddy embankments on the side of the road. Hence the name, “muddin”. Clever, right?
If you’re lucky you’ll find a swamp off the road, and get right in there to do some doughnuts. I think, but am not sure, that the goal is to hopefully flip the truck, instantly killing all of your friends who figured that getting into the pickup bed would be fun!
The other bit of make-shift fun these kids come up with that just screams “redneck” was the “dump truck pool party.” Dump truck pool parties are exactly what they sound like. You get your friend’s dump truck…you know…because your buddy just happens to have a spare one laying around, then you put some mattresses in the bottom, put in a tarp for lining, fill it with water and boom, pool party! It should be noted that this is only one step below the “free all you can eat McDonald’s buffet” of redneck lore.
The last bit of MacGyvering genius these kids came up with was a good ol’ fashioned potato cannon. Beaver is so very proud of this contraption, that he actually uses “Hey, you ever shot a potato cannon” as a pick-up line, and the girls swoon. You’ve probably put 2 and 2 together, and figured that this was some sort of apparatus that somehow launches pomme de terre, but unless you’ve seen the episode you weren’t aware that the cannon was powered by hairspray… That’s not a typo.
8 – You Can Develop Your Own Ideas To Pitch to MTV
Watching this show can really get your creative juices flowing. I decided that when I have the clout I’m going to pitch a show to MTV. It goes as follows- I’m going to put six sixteen year olds in a 7,000 sq ft penthouse loft in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. They’ll each get a one kilogram brick of cocaine, $25,000 in cash, and one round-trip flight on a chartered jet for them and ten friends to anywhere in the continental United States. Whoever goes to jail, and has the best story wins $150,000 and a live performance from Waka Flocka at one of the many 60 days sober ceremonies that they’ll eventually have. This may seem insane, but trust me, I’m fucking WAY ahead of everyone with this concept. In 15 years this concept will seem boring.
About the Author: @itsborys