5 Signs You’re Dating A Future Fat

So a one night stand has turned into a one month stand. You’ve met a few of her friends, you let her do your laundry one too many times, and now she’s beginning to take her own ultimatums seriously. No matter how Well we Wheel, we will all come across the same fork in the road – stick with the one or return to the many. Before you make any decisions there are some serious things to consider, like: is she going to get fat? Nothing could be worse than knocking up a hot balm that turns into a skinny-fat, or worse yet, a fat-fat! It’s a bleak future where all you have left to do together is stuff fat people like. Over the past 5 years, we’ve studied hundreds of women to finally determine the 5 Signs You’re Dating A Future Fat.

The Ankles – When you see a sweet thang walking on by in that mini skirt, your first instinct is to look at that ass. So is mine. So look… then look at the ankles. Of the 487 women studied, 79% with cankles (ankle/hip circumference  rations greater than 1/5) were fat within 4 years of  marriage. Sadly – of these women, a full 74% had kids. Poor fellas. Looks like Tricks aren’t just for kids after all.

The Upper Arms – Scientists know that the upper arms are the 2^nd fattiest part of the body after the titsinass. This means that as the body begins the process of fattening up, fat stores in the titsinass ramp up, immediately followed by the upper arm. Evolutionary theory suggests that the initially fatter titsnass of the Future Fat attracts a careless mate before it’s too late (read: before they get fat). Rapid breast growth can be a serious indication of a potential future fat (or a blessing from dear Sweet Baby Jesus), but a fat upper arm is a clear warning sign a Future Fat is in full bloom, so steer clear.

The Mother – Ugly or fat mothers must be avoided always. This admittedly insensitive, but be serious… the tree doesn’t fall very far from the apple…or something like that (See: Theory of Relativity).Genetic theory suggests that, unlike bald genes, fat genes don’t skip generations. If the mom is rockin a supa–FUPA (fat upper pelvic area), your likely looking at a future-FUPA. And you’ll have fat grand-daughters too, which sucks.

Bone Structure - If they have no jawline at all, they’re on their way to double-chin-kingdom. If you aren’t sure whether or not your girl fits under this category ask her to look down at her shirt (make up a reason) and you’ll be able to see right away if her chin doubles up, or if her beauty will endure the test of time.

Jowls - True jowls are defined by two main components: 1) The baby fat that just doesn’t go away 2) The losing battle with gravity that pulls those cheeks to the ground. It starts out gradually at first, but eventually those jowls will sink below the jawline (if she has one) and leave her looking like Droopy the Dog… and who wants that?