5 Double Standards That Should Be Buried Along with Pauly Shore

There are some double-standards that have had their day in the sun and now it is time to bury them 6-feet deep with the other cultural relics that were obstacles to progress like slavery, racism, Pauly Shore’s career, 40′s hipsters and medieval medical practices. Although, you could argue within a Marxist framework that we are coerced into wage slavery to survive; the Tea Party does exist; there really is no difference between 40′s hipsters and modern hipsters (surprise, you are as cool as your grandpa!); and people do this to their foreheads. Well, at least, Pauly Shore’s career is dead; that’s a sure sign of societal progress. Let’s keep it going – get out your shovels, we’re adding a few more useless doorstops to the cultural grave. That being said, I present to you 5 Double-Standards that need to die in a fire (alongside Glenn Beck and all those books Obama will inevitably order to be burned).

1) Admiral Woo/Date Captain: The onus is always on men to ‘woo’ the lady, to ask her out, to sexily sway on up to her with your brand new velour baby-blue with black-trim Sean John tracksuit and Phat Farm hat (the last time I hit on a girl was in grade nine; never again), and somehow convince her to go on a date/dance/go smoke a cigarette behind the french portable with you. (This is a perfect reenactment of the last time I hit on a girl,)

And, if you aren’t me and somehow convince her to go on a date, you become the Date Captain. You pick her up, you decide where to eat, and where to go afterwards and you pay for it all. And if the food is bad, the bar you chose sucks, your shitty 4-cylinder Toyota breaks down, or if a  rogue half-eaten Tim Horton’s yogurt from under the seat sticks to her calf, it’s your fault. And on top of all these things that are out of your control, you are the one that has to convince her to gently rub your nubile, taught bodies up against each other.

Why should it die? Firstly, guys should still woo or, if these women do not exist in the 50′s, hit on the girls they like, but it should be a two-way street. Plus, ladies, if you go up to a guy and ask him to hang-out sometime, he will probably say yes even if he otherwise wouldn’t have asked you out (assuming you don’t look like the troll child of Ron Jeremy and Roseanne). Now why is this? This might seem backwards, but guys actually like girls who are interested in them (I know, crazy). This means you get to go out with the guy you like instead of waiting, wishing, wearing your boob-shirt around him, and sending subtle signals only a dog and other women can pick up. And for dudes, this means women hit on you, which is good. Either way, this double-standard is dying a slow death: we all hang-out in giant groups and pair off, break-up, and repeat. Every “first-date” I’ve been on has been with a girl that has already had my penis in her, which means bus–> McDonald’s–> cheap vodka in my basement apartment–>and 4 minutes of your life you will never get back.

This is Admiral Woo; channel his kamikaze spirit and the girl will be yours, great time, awesome job!

2) The Call Back: This one is a total role reversal. If you somehow pass through all the hurdles, booby-traps, giant rolling boulders, spiders, scorpions and the clumsy yet hilarious high-jinx of your younger Asian companion, and are able to copulate with a girl, you get to hold the ‘talking stick’ and call all the shots. It’s like the whole date you are fighting against wave after wave of henchmen and when you finally get her to the boudoir, the moment you penetrate her flowery cavern of delight, it’s like you stabbed their God-King-Boss in the heart with your pork sword and now they serve you (Read: it is generally the guy’s decision if he is going to call-back and initiate more coitus.)

Dating and Nazi-killing are not that different

Why it should it die? As we shall see, all these double-standards reinforce each-other, interlace, creating a mutually reinforcing structure that is held up by one central pillar, which we will discuss last. The bigger picture aside, it just makes no sense. Barring a drunken mistake or a really weird vagina, the sex cannot be bad enough for the guy to change his mind after all that work. Granted, girls can be bad at sex, but given the nature of our respective genitalia it is much easier for a guy to enjoy it. As Joe Rogan wisely pointed out, if we had warm-holes in the walls of our apartments it would only be a matter of time until we had sex with them. Point being: thrust + warm-hole = good; cerebral palsied, jack-hammer thrust + your warm-hole = painful and awkward. There is no reason we should exclusively have this power.

3) Male-Dominance in the Bedroom: The default position in the bedroom is that the male dominates. Granted, some women do become fiery, sex-panthers, taking control of the helm and blasting off into warp-speed fuck , but it is unlikely that they will immediately do this the first time you fool around. There is normally some form of permission on the guy’s end, some nod to being okay with relinquishing his “rightful” role of power lest ye bruise his peach-skin-like ego, which is a pretty weak form of dominance: “Yes, I will allow you to dominate me now, wait, stop, ok…now”.

Why it should die? It is hot when a girl dominates. I am totally cool with being held down and mercilessly fucked; I don’t want to be left sweaty, dehydrated and feeling like someone punched my lungs with a cinder-block of asbestos. Sit back, grab a bag of chips, keep your legs down, and enjoy the ride. Point being, we like micro-waves because they take all the work out of cooking. Wait, what? Lets try that again: a city full of one-way streets sucks (i.e. Montreal or Hamilton). Trying to navigate the sexual terrain with a bunch of one-way streets can leave you lost, frustrated, and confused. They should just go both ways – we should all approach the people we like, have sex with them the way we want, and decide if we want to do it again. Wouldn’t it just be much easier this way?

This is me in front of my microwave. I am making my usual dinner-for-one of beans.

4) Sex and Emotions. The status quo-thinking on sex is that guys are able to separate the act from their emotions, whereas, women are hopelessly and dramatically plunged deep into the depths of love every-time a penis so much as sneezes on them. People cite biological facts and evolution as empirical truths to back this point up. However, that has to do with the difference between the sexes not the genders. Granted, sex/biology may influence our conception of gender, but it does not define it. We constructed the concept of gender; it is a malleable, fluid, ever-changing entity that can be bent, broken, and re-configured by us. Indeed, cultural momentum can make a total re-configuration near-impossible, but, alas, at an individual level we can decide which parts of gender to take seriously, which to discard, and which to add. So, don’t give me your ‘science says’ crap. If science told you to “jump off a bridge” or “disavow everything science tells you”, what would you do? I rest my case…I think.

Why should it die? Sex is fun; it should not have to be a serious thing every time it occurs. If guys are allowed to do it for the pure, all-encompassing, I-don’t-care-about-all-those-things-that-make-me-sad joy of it, why can’t women? Maybe, their biology won’t allow it, but our culture definitely shouldn’t stop them.

5) Players vs. Sluts: This is the King Kong/Suge Knight/Bill Gates/76′ Montreal Canadiens of double-standards. Simply put, if a guy bangs a girl, he is exalted, if a girl bangs a guy she is condemned for the treacherous, dangerous, hepatitis-ridden whore she is. Indeed, how dare she enjoy her sexuality while allowing men to enjoy theirs.

Mike Tyson is all talk; this man will actually eat your babies.

Why it should die? The cruel irony is that every time a guy, who wants sex and is considered cool if he does so, calls a girl a “slut” or “whore” or “cum-dumpster” or a “cock-holster”, or a “vagina-holder”, he is perpetuating a belief that decreases his and every other guys chances of getting laid. The even crueler irony is that most guys call girls sluts because they turned them down or they think they will turn them down (I mostly only said that to get laid).

But, the biggest reason it should die is that it acts as the central pillar of support for all of the above double-standards. Men are forced to become Admiral Woo because, aside from the sexual pleasure, they stand to gain everything from a sexual encounter while women have to grudgingly cash in another slut chip, which is why men have the power on the call-back; the woman has already cashed her chip in and wants to get her money’s worth, whereas, the dude receives his notch on the bed-post regardless if he calls back or not. As for number three, since men have to woo the female, they are in the dominant position as hunter and the female is the prey. Naturally, he would occupy the default position of dominance. But, what if women hunted men? Older women that prey on drunk college kids are classically characterized as taking control in the bedroom and this is precisely because they are in the hunter position. Point being: if you change the rules on how we come to hook-up, you change how we actually hook-up (for the better).

Lastly, the tired, old, wind-bag of a cliche: women are naturally more emotional than men, thus, it is more difficult for them to separate emotions from sex. Maybe, condemning women for having sex forces them to choose partners for reasons other than sex. If a woman only has a few shots at choosing someone to fa-diddle with, they are probably going to chose someone they like being around and have a – ahh big shocker – emotional connection with. Seriously, if you could only be with a few girls, would you choose the hot annoying one that makes you want to main-line Drano instead of listening to her irrational ramblings on whether she likes cats better than dogs or the time she went to the store to buy that thing and then got that thing and brought it home, or would you pick a girl you actually like?

If we change the reward system – i.e. exalting guys and punishing girls – we change  how we are supposed to court each-other, which changes how we fuck each-other and alters the relationships required to do so. (And this, by the way gentlemen, means more and better sex).

So, the next time you think about calling a girl a “slut”, don’t, and the next girl you hook up with just might tie you up, hand you a bag of chips, and fuck the shit out of your shit.

If you missed last week’s installment and found this one lacking in ignorant insensitivity and insensitive ignorance then here it is...Double-Standards: 5 Ways Women Suck In Bed

The author, Bomber! (you have to exhale dramatically after you say his name), also writes a daily blog on his hopeless and grueling attempt with an unnecessarily extreme work-out program. http://bombersp90xperiment.blogspot.com/