You probably want to be successful. Most people do. Some are adamant that the only sure path to success is through Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hour formula. All those hours are supposed to help you hone your craft and eventually perfect it, however this rule can’t be applied universally. Porn stars for example, can ill afford to invest 10,000 hours into their “art” because they all have a best before date. Nobody wants to see a “great” 53 year old porn star. Porn’s sort of a, you make it right away or you recede into the depths of meth addiction pursuit. Showbusiness can be that way as well, but most people who succeed in that world actually do put in the work to develop their talent. Louis CK did standup for 20 years before he became the best in the world. However, these next 5 mother fuckers took an Arby’s assistant manager level of talent, and achieved the highest levels of fame and fortune in the world’s most competitive industry.
1 – Lil Jon
Remember those two words? Of course you do. You haven’t drank yourself retarded just yet! Give it a couple more years.
Yea and OK are two words that have been in existence forever, but were catapulted to the forefront of pop culture in the early 2000’s. Why? How could such commonly used words rise so quickly in popularity? Who is the culprit that could have achieved this pop culture feat? Well it was the tireless work of a “musician” by the stage name of “Lil Jon” working in conjunction with Satan himself. Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz brought Crunk Music out of Atlanta, and into the ears of middle class White children across North America. Their break out hit was was the insanely catchy “Bia Bia”. If you haven’t listened to Bia Bia, don’t, because if you do it’ll be stuck in your brain for a week. It’s musical heroin. But since I’m a terrible person I’m going to post it here so you watch it and hate me afterwards.
They followed that up with a stream of hits that paired the intense energy of incredible Southern beats, with short catch phrases repeated over and over. Don’t believe that such a thing could happen? Check out the names of these 2003-2005 bangers
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Don’t ever doubt me. So why is this so hackish? Well, for starters the title of each song is also the chorus of each song which means that all it took to sweep a nation was a five-word hook and some loud ass bass. As they watched the producer with the pimp cup take over the Billboard charts, legitimately talented musicians actually stabbed themselves in the heart, literally (ever heard of Elliott Smith?) Now maybe Elliot Smith stabbed himself for a reason other than Lil Jon’s success (he was known for depressing music), but you can’t prove that my theory is bullshit either now can you?
As Lil Jon gained more and more notoriety, the biggest comedian in the world at the time, Dave Chappelle, created a legendary sketch mocking Lil Jon on his television show, The Chappelle Show. Being one of the most critically acclaimed, and successful TV shows in the world, this sketch completely cemented Lil Jon’s mega star status.
Lil Jon was interviewed about the sketches key lines “Okaaaaay! Yeaaaah” and had this to say:
“Imagine people screaming that shit at you for three years. The same shit. I think they’re going to be saying that shit at my funeral. “He was a good man and, Whaaat?” Then the crowd will say, “Amen. Okaaaay!””
I loved those sketches and only more so after hearing about Lil Jon’s reaction to them. Thank you Dave Chappelle.
Lil Jon amassed a fortune of over $25 Million during the mid 2000s, essentially by reworking the same song formula over and over again. Lil Jon would later join forces with the next no-talent success story to create one monster pile of highly paid shit, and continued to make real musicians everywhere cry themselves to sleep.
2 – LMFAO
At some point in the tail end of the 2000′s college students in ‘Murika everywhere realized,
“Hey! The government won’t let us drink until we’re 21 and even if they did, alcohol’s REALLY expensive and makes me puke. MDMA is WAY more fun, it makes me feel incredible, and it’s relatively cheap. Let’s all do that instead.”
Rock and roll suddenly, albeit briefly, spiraled out of the mainstream, and hip-hop was declared “dead” by a number of industry experts, so the resulting musical vortex was quickly exploited by LMFAO, and electro-pop acts just like them. Their sounds quickly came to rule the college club scene.
Let’s take a look at LMFAO’s substantial streak of success- This tandem was nominated for two Grammys, one of which was for a song called Sexy And I Know It. To me, nominating “Sexy And I Know It” for a Grammy is like Instagraming horse shit and selling the photo at a Christies auction for millions (#nofilter).
The jokes on you America! You let Disco make it’s comeback disguised as “party rock,” in the worst way possible. How did LMFAO get so far with so little talent? Oh yea, one of the “band” members, SkyBlu is the grandson of Mr. Berry Gordy…the founder of Motown. What about the other guy? The other guy, RedFoo, is SkyBlu’s uncle, and of course Berry Gordy’s son. Nepotism breeds the best art, doesn’t it?
All in all, they sold a “metric fuck tonne” of records (it’s an industry term). There’s really no other way to express how many they sold. LMFAO made stupid amounts of money, and should be quite happy, because they achieved more than they ever should have, with some of the worst “rap” lyrics ever written, and a MacBook..
3 – Jerry Springer
All you really need to know about Jerry Springer is that he once paid a hooker with a personal cheque. Once you know that, then everything else just sort of falls into place.
Springer made a fortune ($75 million) on the backs of poverty stricken Americans, by creating absurd situations that instigated violence, and captivated a generation of overweight and unemployed Americans (and Canadians).
Oh and he’s not even American. Springer was born in an English subway station (fact), and sent across the pond to feast on the souls of the American working class (not as much of a fact but still debatable). Jerry actually completed law school, which makes the fact that he once paid a hooker with a personal cheque that much more amusing.
Jerry was also elected to the city council of Cincinnati at one point in his life. It was actually at that point that he was implicated in his prostitution scandal. I can’t stress this point enough- A man who put three years of his life into obtaining a Juris Doctor actually gave a prostitute a personal cheque that he signed himself, and then he addressed it to her. Oh, and it bounced. That’s gold Jerry! Gold!
Jerry then somehow weaseled his way onto TV with a show based on important political conversations, between noted guests. Hookers are expensive though, and political conversations don’t exactly rake in the ad dollars, so something had to be done. So in an act that proved to be the smartest thing he would ever do, he reformatted the show to deal with trailer park love triangles, accidental incest, transsexual revelations and Alabama’s favorite organization, the Ku Klux Klan. He didn’t ever actually solve any problems on the show, he simply exposed America’s grotesque underbelly, and somehow became bigger than Oprah. Literally- Ratings for the Jerry Springer show were higher than The Oprah Winfrey Show. Way to go America!
I want to run this all by you again now- Jerry Springer was on the city council of Cincinnati when he called up a prostitute, which is a woman who exchanges things like butt sex for money. He said to this woman “Hey, I need XXX, and XXX, and if we can XXX that would be awesome.” Jerry then went to meet with this woman, to exchange her services for his goods, and he brought his cheque book. This is the first and only time in human history that a man has done that. That is an indisputable fact. This level of stupidity was both a pioneering act, and one that is not replicable. Genius.
4 – Fred Durst
Admit it, you listened to Limp Bizkit. Sure it makes you cringe now, but so does the memory of that clown your parents hired for your eighth birthday. Face it; neither one’s going away anytime soon.
Fred Durst is the man behind the release of an album titled “Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water“. Have you ever been so high that you think you’ve become an artist? You start writing down your thoughts, and you’re convinced you’ve created something truly great. Of course you’ve done that. We all have. The only difference is that Fred Durst actually built a career out of that experience. What did you do? You kept eating your bag of Doritos until you passed out with chip crumbs in your bed, and Requiem For A Dream playing on your laptop.
One of Limp Bizkit’s hit songs, Break Stuff, included lyrics like
And if my day keeps goin’ this way I just might break somethin’ tonight…
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I’ll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin’ this way I just might break your fuckin’ face tonight!!
Give me somethin’ to break
Give me somethin’ to break
Yeah, you remember singing those lines in grade 9 now, don’t you? This truly poetic material incited a riot at Woodstock ’99. You know what people ended up breaking, Fred? They ended up breaking women’s faith in humanity. Multiple sexual assaults were reported to the police immediately after Limp Bizkits set. Go team.
Later on in his career, Fred’s peers publicly mocked him for embarrassing, not only himself, but also the rock world in general, by going on stage with Christina Aguilera. Fred responded to the accusations of “selling out” by saying “I did it all for the nookie,” essentially implying that Christina Aguilera was so taken by his work that she sucked his dick. Christina was filmed watching Fred Durst on MTV implying that he had sex with her, and turned to the camera to give her version of events:
“You wish you got some nookie from it. He got no nookie. That did not happen, OK?”
Now you’re probably sitting there saying, “Wow, people actually fucking used terms like ‘nookie’?” Yup! Again. Blame Fred Durst.
A crowd heckled Fred in Chicago chanting “Fuck Fred Durst,” throwing random items at him, and forcing him offstage after 6 songs. Fred didn’t use this opportunity to retreat to some Pacific island, and enjoy his fortune with a non-stop parade of willing models. Nope! Fred needed to get back to the grindstone, to torture Americas ears again. So, he released an album of greatest hits in 2005 titled “Greatest Hitz.” Again, what a move! In response to this best of album critics said, “None of it has aged well, in fact, it just aged incredibly quickly.”
What was the result of all this? $15 million in the bank. Which begs the question, why isn’t there some sort of government agency that intervenes in these situations, and seizes a portion of your assets based on how hackish you are? In Fred’s case he’d be left with enough to rent a bachelor apartment in Brampton, and lease a pre-owned Suzuki Swift from one of those corner-of-the-intersection used car dealerships you find in really awful neighborhoods.
We have a winner… A cast of winners actually. Truly and from the bottom of my heart, fuck all of these people so hard and forever. At least the others in this article actually created something, and I can respect creativity, regardless of how shitty it may be. These abominations reign supreme in the talentless success story category.
Snooki was making $4 million per year including $150,000.00 per episode for the Jersey Shore. Her agent’s major coup however, was convincing the administration of Rutgers University that she deserved to be paid $32,000.00 for a speech at their school. Think about how much work you do in one year to earn $32,000.00- Now die a little inside. She got up on the podium and said shit like, “school is important so study hard, but party harder!” Obviously parents were fucking outraged when they found out what Snooki earned for imparting her wisdom on people FAR more educated, and intelligent than herself.
J Woww made $100k per episode and is worth a few million now. I guess she took a little less because she’s smart enough to realize she really has zero talent aside from the ability to pick a good surgeon, and basically won the lottery with this show.
It’s scary how accurate Bobby Bottleservice actually is. Don’t believe me? The Situation actually signed his name to endorse the protein vodka drink “Devotion,” as well as appear as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, and a whole bunch of other garbage. He ended up turning his uber-meat-head shtick into a $5 million a year business. His earnings from Jersey Shore were $150,000.00 per episode. I remember when this guy first started making the rounds at universities to “host” parties for 10k a pop, while we thought $100.00 bottles were a revelation. Fuck I’m an idiot.
Vinny Guadasomething was earning 90k per episode to play Pauly D’s buddy. He now somehow dates Melanie Iglesias.
The dude is such a lucky fuck that if he started a website selling what he thinks will be the winning lotto numbers every week, myself and millions of others would probably subscribe. He pretty much fist pumped his way into a life that everybody dreams of, and is probably the most liked member of the cast, because he’s only half-douche.
Pauly D parlayed his Jersey Shore fame into an $11 million windfall in 2011, by earning $500k per month DJing, and at least attempting to build a career for himself, so I don’t include him on the super hack list. I think he’s done some pretty fucking cool shit with his fame, and I respect his business acumen.
Ronny, made 80k per episode, and was probably the most annoying person on TV from 2010-2012.
Deena? Fuck her especially. She pulled 40k per episode to be a stupid dumb slut. What the fuck America? You should all be ashamed of yourselves for fueling this.
About the Author: @itsborys