4 Ways to Break-up Your Wingman and His Girlfriend by Valentine’s Day

Once upon a time you were rulers of the night; roaming your territory searching for prey in revealing attire who wanted to be chased, captured, and served as a delicious meal for you to enjoy. You always hunted together, watching each others back in case another alpha male tried to swoop in on your kills.  All was going according to plan until that thing kidnapped your wingman. For the love of beer you know that it is your duty, nay, your calling to save your best bud from … the girlfriend. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and there are 6 million reasons (yes, 6 million) why YOU should rescue your buddy from the manhood-napper who made him forget how awesome it is to chug a beer and have sex with everyone. Here are 4 surefire ways to successfully break them up and have your wingman back in the game just in time for your annual Vagina Day Valentine’s Day Bang Massacre:

1. Take your buddy’s phone and change your contact name to something like Sexy Amber from Club [insert club name you and he used to frequent]. The next time your buddy’s girlfriend comes over, overload his phone with at least 6 – 15 of the sexiest, most raunchy texts possible saying how awesome he is in bed. Even ask him to apologize to his roommate (you) for being so loud thanks to his skills. An even better idea: send him a scandalous picture of “yourself” (note: hot girl’s booty from the internet). He will have to say something to his girlfriend at this point who is 99.9% likely to snatch his phone, fish through the messages, then berate him before storming out of the apartment never to be seen again.

2. Steal your buddy’s checkbook and write a check to a false name like Hannah Nightingale. In the memo area state “For Sexual Favors”. When he and his girlfriend step out of his bedroom for a minute, to make food for instance, sneak into his room and place it somewhere you know she’ll see and POOF, she’s gone. Magic I tell you.

3. Tell your buddy’s girlfriend that her man wants her to surprise him more often and to help her out, you’ll inform her when you know he’s at home so she can pop by unexpectedly. Make sure you grab his phone from him when he tells you he’ll be heading out for an hour or two; he’ll think he’s lost it. Once gone, message his girlfriend to come over and surprise him. Go to his room, put on a dirty porn movie and blast the volume loud enough to make it seem like a realistically awesome romp session is happening and lock his door. When she arrives, apologize profusely saying you couldn’t find your phone to message her in order to prepare her for what was going on. She should be able to hear her “boyfriend” banging some chick and after pounding on his bedroom door since she can’t get in, she’ll leave in a huff and never answer his phone calls again.

4. Take your buddy out and feed him as many beers as possible to the point where he blacks out but doesn’t let everyone know that he had all you can eat sushi that day, twice. Have an agreement at the beginning of the night that he is not allowed to message his girlfriend or respond to her all night. This is a “boys night out”. Ask one of your wing girls to agree to your plan (you may have to embellish the situation slightly by painting an ugly picture of how psycho your buddy’s girlfriend is and that if you don’t save him, she will kill him). Post-bar, have your wing girl meet you guys at your place and when your buddy passes out, have her join him in bed wearing panties and one of his t-shirts. Immediately take your buddy’s phone and message his girlfriend, pleading with her to come over. When she arrives, she’ll see your buddy in bed with your hot friend. Your buddy, once conscious, won’t be able to deny what happened because he blacked out the night before and your wing girl will ensure everyone that it was a great night. Mission accomplished. Just one thing…make sure you hide all sharp or blunt objects at your place that his girlfriend could potentially get a hold of. Be prepared to intervene. This is a nasty one, but oh so fucking good.

Chug a beer, get your wingman back and have sex with everyone.