This post comes from one of our many loyal subscribers. Follow @Spildred for more random hilarity… Yes, that’s her up there. Now, on with the list!
Much to my parents’ distaste, one of my favourite movies growing up was always National Lampoon’s Van Wilder. As I enter my 6th year of undergrad I can’t help but think that this iconic movie has made some kind of impact on my life. I see myself as a self-proclaimed party girl, but I also maintain a decent average, enough so that I just keep coming back and soaking in all the joys that Western has to offer. But even 6 years down the road, I still remember that first day of first year, pulling up in front of Essex and getting ripped out of my parents’ car and into Essex alongside my best friend, having no clue what the years ahead of me would bring. And then I think to myself, wow I really wish I had SOME kind of clue. So I have taken it upon myself to present to you, fine generations of Mustangs, the top 17 things I wish I knew as a frosh.
1) Go Big Or Go Home
Probably Western’s number one unofficial motto, and you should have learned it by the second day of O-week. Halloween at Western is rival to Caribana in Toronto, and any themed party demands the most creative work possible. The more outrageous you are, the more popular you’re bound to be. Showing up to JBRs with my roommate as Jay and Silent Bob has never earned more brownie points, and the number of free drinks we got that night well outweighs any dignity lost by my roommate rocking a sharpied-on-beard.
2) The Drunk Text Isn’t Worth It
We all have our drunken alter egos and chances are you might not be familiar with mine. Her name is Spildred, and whenever she goes out with her trusty sidekick, cell phone, shit gets cray. I’d say the vast majority of problems in my life arise from drunk texting. It doesn’t matter who it is, if your name is in the top 10 most recent chat conversations, I will drunk text you. Even my mum has fallen victim to that on many occasions.
Folks listen up- PUT THE PHONE DOOOOWN.
3) Western Campus; Challenge Accepted
We’ve all heard the stories of the “Weldon Stacks” or “Kings Study Rooms”, so I challenge you to go beyond the typical hookup locations on campus. Not gonna lie, UC hill the night before O-week is pretty impressive… Disclaimer: Cops will most likely come after you, but getting busted is just part of the fun. It’s just the campus police, after all.
Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
4) Wine and Tequila Are NEVER A Good Idea
Pretty self explanatory. Learning which alcohols to mix is a challenge all of us must take on at some point in our lives. Frankly, many of us score better on our SATs on the first try than we do at learning a lesson like this.
I can tell you right now that wine and tequila will single handedly result in a 3-day hangover. No more, no less. Red wine especially.
Figure out what combinations lead to manageable mornings, and you’ll have a hangover-free undergrad.
5) Don’t Let Your Drunk Self Be Such A Bitch
They say that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. False. If you have something important to say when you’re drunk, it’s most definitely not as important as you think it is. Guaranteed 99% of the things you say drunk are things that you wouldn’t even imagine saying sober, and almost 100% of them are probably bitchy or out-of-character statements that will get you into a lot of trouble when you wake up, and slap your forehead over what happened the night before.
Even worse? You drunk text it. Direct correlation back to Rule #2. Even worse than that? You have a melt down on the internet, and it’s all up on your Facebook status the next day. REFRAIN FROM INTERNET USE WHILE DRINKING.
6) Western Hockey Has A Beer Tent
Football does too. The rosters have pictures, ladies, so choose your sport at the start of the season, and become a supportive fan. Can’t believe it took me until February of my 5th year to figure this one out.
7) Club Weldon
My estimated exam-fail-rate between people who study on the second floor of D.B. Weldon is approximately 80%, because there most likely aren’t any questions on your exam pertaining to Louis Vuitton, The Ceeps or 6 packs, and yet these things are common topics of conversation. However, if you feel fully prepared and would like to try out the “seductive smart student” role, press “number 2″ on the elevator and enjoy the view.
Western’s bar-stars and socialites frequent the second floor, and you won’t find a better looking group of people pretending to study anywhere in Canada. If you’re looking for a bang-buddy during exams, this is your spot, but if you actually want to get work done bypass this floor entirely.
8) Time Is Your Best Friend
Whether it’s a semester of four months or a relationship that lasts just that long, keep time on your side. Treasure your time, because you don’t know when you’ll miss that one moment incredible. When I thought I would be graduating this semester, I sat down with my roommate and made a list of everything I hadn’t done at UWO that I probably should have since first year. That’s what led me to Rule #6. Great discovery.
9) What Would Lindsay Do?
Own each moment ’cause there’s no changing the fact that it was you that fell into the garbage can last night. Wanna deny it? Chances are it was at JBRs and PremierLife.ca is all up on photos of that.
A word of advice? Pick your spots. No good stories come from the 5 nights you had 2 beers. Save that up and have 10 beers in one night. Attempt The Century Club a few times. Get hammered at your faculty formal. Pre-drink before your pre-drink, and make it a night. Take some photos that you can’t share with anybody, but your closest friends.
10) Whiskey Do My Talkin’
There’s a reason there are no country songs about Swedish Berries. There’s nothing hotter than a girl that can take a shot of whiskey like a man. If you’re not a whiskey drinker, become one. There are many different kinds, and they all lead to awesome.
11) Elastic Band Theory
If any of you have read Georgia Nicholson’s diaries, like Angus, Thongs, and Full Frontal Snogging, you’ll surely remember the first law in her dating survival guide, the elastic band theory. This theory has been tried and tried again. Guys are like elastic bands; the longer you stretch them without talking, the quicker they are to snap back. It’s a proven fact, and I challenge you to try it yourself. Average estimated time required for snapback is 3 hours.
12) Beer Makes You Fat
But it’s damn delicious, so don’t attempt to stop drinking it. Mix a couple shots into your nightly routine, and you’ll be able to balance it all out with a bit of morning cardio, promise.
13) Friends And Boyfriends Come And Go
…but you’ll always have yourself, so do you before you do them… figuratively of course… *winks*
14) 90s Music Is Always Appropriate
Always. Anyone that disagrees is probably the kid from Family Channel’s Smart Guy, and was actually born in 2001, so check his ID.
15) It’s Not Bad Until It Comes Out Of Your Nose
You think I’m lying? You know you’re way beyond functional when you make the dive for the toilet and realize there’s so much projectile that it goes out the next best escape route: the nez. Even worse? Puking on a piece of bread, thinking it was your cell phone, and holding it to your face post-projectile (yeah, I did that).
Spildred’s brotip to stop this before it happens- teach yourself to pull the trigger when you know you’re at that one shot too many, then do one more and puke before the bar. Guaranteed you won’t be spending the night hugging the toilet, and you’ll be free to party as long as your dancing feet crammed into those 6 inch heels desire.
Note- mouth wash and gum are your best friends.
16) GO TO CLASS
Your profs know who you are, whether you think so or not… Trying to get special permission from them a year down the road suddenly becomes a daunting task if they recognize you as the kid that rarely came to class. 9:30pm doesn’t seem too early when you realize your 58% in first year calc doesn’t make the 60% program requirement cutoff.
17) It’s Western. Act Accordingly.
Above all else, never regret that you picked the best damn university in Canada to get a degree that’s (hopefully) going to get you somewhere in life. Wear your purple loud and proud, because these are the best years of your life. I’ve loved every second that I’ve been here, and hell that’s why I’m coming back for round 6.
Live it up, because you’ll never experience anything like it again!
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