Today, I tried to be funny, but encountered a rather nefarious obstacle that will remain unnamed. Instead, to ensure that your day remains void of the somber truth that is real life, I scoured Groupon for a wallet-friendly product or service that would make you all laugh. I didn’t find one. What I did find, is that Groupon hired all of the funny people in the world to write their “Groupon Guides”, effectively establishing a monopoly on happiness.
What is a Groupon Guide? It’s a complementary morsel of knowledge that you will find when you scroll to the bottom of any local Groupon. Since nobody wants to battle their way through tantalizing discounts just to get their daily dose of funny, I decided to compile some of my favourite guides from the last known source of humour.
Don’t worry, you will find absolutely no financial benefit in this Guide to Groupon Guides:
1 – The Groupon Guide to: Using a Map
In this modern age of technological reliance, most people have completely forgotten how to use a good old-fashioned paper map. Here’s a quick refresher:
Find a place that sells maps. Maps are probably sold at like, a map store? Look it up on your phone.
Buy a map at the place that sells the maps. Make sure you buy a good map. Use your phone to see who makes the best maps.
Unfold the map. This is the worst part. Put your phone in your pocket or your mouth for a minute while you use both hands to open up the stupid map.
Look at the map. This is the other worst part. You can only look at the map. It doesn’t do anything when you touch it or ask it to play the songs. It just sits there.
Go to the place on the map. Once you get there, use your phone to reflect sunlight onto the map so it burns. It burns away- It goes away- It doesn’t come back- The fire makes it nothing. Take a picture of the nothingness with your phone.
We may have all grown up, but we all love and remember those cereal mascots whose cold dead eyes stared at us every Saturday morning, as we ate our cereal. See if you can match these cereals to their mascots:
A) Raisin Bran
B) Waffle Nut Crunch
C) Fruit Things
D) Uncle O’s
E) Cartoon Dog–Brand Sugar Lumps
1) Cartoon Doggy, The Cartoon Dog
2) Louis, The Alive Letter W Who Loves You
3) Dr. Fruitenstein, MD
4) Henry, the Uncle Whose Guitar Store Is Not Doing Well
5) Choco-man, the mascot who tricks children into thinking there is chocolate in this cereal, instead of disgusting raisins
ANSWERS: None of this is real. It doesn’t matter. Go outside. Hug your kids.
With the holiday season in full swing, there’s no shortage of dinner parties to attend. If your host doesn’t own any board games, save the evening by suggesting a game that can be played without gaming equipment:
Bang, Bang, Hear, Hear: Have one person grab a fork, spoon, and knife. After everyone else closes their eyes, the person holding the utensils will start banging one of the three against the dinner table. The first person to correctly guess what the banger is banging wins and gets to leave the game.
Noise Town: Break off into groups of two. Each pair builds a unique city by creating a sound-scape using the sounds that come out of their mouths. The team that builds the loudest town gets the grand prize— getting to wait outside until the other teams stop.
My Country, Your Country: One person starts the game by approaching another person and saying “My country”. The person has to respond, as quickly as possible with, “Your country?” The first person then must say “My country” again, this time faster than the second person said “Your country?” This keeps going until everyone feels compelled to simultaneously shout “The holidays: are these not the finest times of our years?” Then everyone gets to leave.
Baby animals are cute enough to warrant their own classification. Everyone knows that baby dogs are called puppies, but what about baby versions of less popular animals?
• Cats: Kittens
• Zebras: Zebrettes
• Kangaroos: Kangarookies
• Cows: Calfs
• Sea cows: Sea calfs
• Groundhogs: Lil’ Grounder Jrs.
• Rams: Lams
• Bats: Brats
• Elephants: Baby elephants
• Frogs: Froglings
• Gorillas: Monkeys
• Chickens: Eggs
How many more can you name?
Ordering a cup of coffee has become so confusing these days, that most people just give up and eat the beans whole. To make things easier, here are some of the sizes available at any neighbourhood “coffee barn:”
• Fat (round)
• Big-boy bucket
• Baby bucket
• Coffee flask
• Barista’s pleasure
• Cough-medicine capful
• Barista’s pain
• Cup X: the cup from space
• The hot, hot handful
It’s easy to be the star of an action movie— simply remember to drop one of these perfectly timed quips after performing any of these corresponding actions:
• If you hit someone with a stick: STICK around … for more violence.
• If you hit someone with a chair: How CHAIR-itable of me.
• If you shoot someone with an experimental ice ray: Why don’t you CHILL out for a while and watch The Big CHILL on VHS?
• After a marriage proposal: Mrs. [new last name] does have a nice RING to it.
• If you accidentally punch the wrong guy: Looks like my negligence is … STRIKING.
• If you set someone on fire: Welcome to “BEING ON FIRE.”
They would never make a couch so big that it won’t fit through any size of doorway. If you ever want to sit down to watch TV, you’re going to have to do the following first:
• Turn it right.
• No, that was a question. “Turn it, right?”
• Try to shove your head through it. For leverage.
• Take the cushions off.
• See if that lady will hold the cushions so they don’t get dirty.
• What are those purple and black stains under the cushions?
• Tell her it will only take a second and that we would do it for her.
• Those stains look like a scary code.
• Line it up so that the armrest is parallel with the huge gash we just put in the wall.
• Take the cushions back from Mrs. Princess. She obviously has better things to do.
• Hold on, I think my fingers fell asleep.
• Think outside the box. What if we moved the doorway around the couch?
• I can’t believe we got this for free from the back of that open moving truck.
• Throw the cushions down the stairs so the lady knows we’re mad at her.
• Let’s take a break and drink these milks my friend hooked us up with.
The main attraction of eating at a “greasy spoon” diner is hearing the delightful lingo that the servers use to relay your order to the cooks. Many people often order second and third meals just to hear the servers yell, and then discreetly throw away the food. Here is a guide to their secret language:
Order: Double cheeseburger, medium rare, with pickles
Diner Speak: Double hockey puck made of meat with a pink soul and zombie nickels
Order: Turkey sandwich on rye, no mayo
Diner Speak: Professor Gobblington with a PhD in the economics of foreign grain markets, send the white stranger packing
Order: Two eggs, scrambled, with bacon and coffee, cream and sugar
Diner Speak: Twin albino footballs meet with a tragic accident, send the mother a crispy flag and fill the dark night with the first tragically beautiful snowfall of winter
Diner Speak: Lil’ Sweetie Flat Breads starring Shirley Temple (1934)
Order: Pot roast
Diner Speak: Roast, pot-style
With the economy in its current state, the most fiscally responsible plan of action is to quit your job to write a novel for teens that adults will read. Here then, are all the bones that make up the skeleton of a good novel:
Your book will need a narrator. Your book can be…
1st Person Perspective: Told from the point of view of the first character you come up with
3rd Person Perspective: Told from the point of view of the weakest of three triplets
Swear-word Thomas Perspective: Told from the point of view of town character, Swear-word Thomas
• Inciting Incident
Your book needs a moment that starts off the story. It can be when…
The mayor declares being in love illegal, in this proud Space Station
The family needs someone to fetch Lilly’s medicine from the capital, but Pa’s in the ground and Ma’s got the Fester Leg. Looks like it’s up to bookish little Tabitha Greenwood!
The tornado gains sentience and a hatred of humanity after colliding with a computer factory
• Plot Structure
Your book needs a plot structure. It can be…
We learn about the characters in their pleasant, if boring, lives until the bad thing happens. The main character is sad about a bad thing, but resolves to change it. They try to have some success, but then something related to the main person’s main flaw makes the bad thing worse than ever. Then something even worse happens. The main person wants to give up, but through the power of not giving up, fixes the bad thing and falls in love with the person they overlooked in favour of the hot person who turned out to be bad or neutral. They are happy in the end.
• An About the Author Photo
Your About the Author photo should contain at least three of the following:
Typewriter (symbolizes writing)
A Rocky Beach
The temptations of junk food are everywhere in the modern workplace, but you can get a natural afternoon boost by partaking in any of these healthy snacks:
• Carrot sticks
• Regular sticks
• High-protein Carrot Stix™ (carrot-flavoured pressed vital wheat gluten)
• Gluten-free Carrot Stix™ (made of 100 per cent carrot)
• For nonvegetarians, 6 pounds of elk— the leanest meat in the forest
• One of those little wheels of cheese encased in wax that can later be sculpted into a kitty
• Carrots (not in stick form)
The only perk of being a king is having a group of people do everything for you, so you never have to move. Here are some of the jobs typically held by the people in the royal court:
• Taste tester
• Lady named Esther
• Human volleyball net
• Hot-dog-eating-contest organizer
• Foot tickler
• Bed maker
• A man who lets his hands be used as shoehorns
• Bread-crust remover
• Earlobe jangler
• Backup wife
I’m a big fan of spontaneous adventures and great discounts. Now I’m just waiting for Groupon to make a guide to finding opportunities that would fit that description.
Filed Under: LDU Originals
About the Author: Altair genetically engineered himself to take over the world because everything else was already checked off his bucket list. When he is not dictating his inspirational articles to a dark cellar full of eager scribes, he is executing flawless sun salutations, conducting cancer research, or making music. Don't get in his way unless you want a warm hug and an inseparable friendship.